Tag Archives: women

An Unusual Double Standard

1 Jul

“Ugh, he just loves me SO much. I can’t even”, I say to my friend Meghan for the third time in our 45-minute long daily phone conversation, which in case you were wondering covers anything from relationship to metabolism statuses.

Yes, I am annoyed that this man is being too available, giving me too much attention, and treating me too well. I can’t really understand it… I obviously am sick of being treated like dirt, over and over again. Shouldn’t I welcome this change?

I haven’t yet figured out what’s going on, but a long time ago, Betty and I drew an interesting parallel that we’ve observed in our statistically significant sample (ie. our 20 friends).

Being easy.

Every woman reading this right now can probably accurately define being easy as a woman. And though we probably don’t call men easy, we can probably think of at least one guy who is. What do I mean by this?

A woman is easy when… she sleeps with a guy on the first date.

A man is easy when… he texts immediately after a date telling you he had a good time.

A woman is easy when… she goes home with a dude from a bar.

A man is easy when… he is willing to rearrange his schedule to go on a date with you.

A woman is easy when… she’s willing to be a 2am booty-call.

A man is easy when… he tells you he likes you.

A woman is easy when… a guy can kick her out of her apartment at 4am and she does leave.

A man is easy when… he just wants to cuddle you when you show up at his place drunk at 2am.

Obviously these are outrageous generalizations (and really weird ones). But you get the idea… So many of us get turned off by guys who are willing to put forth their emotions and actually show interest in us. I don’t mean the clinger who thinks that two dates makes you his boyfriend. I mean the guy who’s always willing to sleepover at your place, without ever asking you to go over. The guy who buys you a thoughtful christmas present, even though you got him nothing. The guy who’s willing to drive you home on the weekend, so that you don’t have to wait for the metro.

I spend a lot of time being angry about the fact that having a very active sex life played by my own rules categorizes me as “slutty”, “easy” and “undateable”. And yet, I am a huge hypocrite who judges guys negatively for not insulting me at a bar, or not wanting to go home with me from the bar but rather just wanting my number. We need to stop doing both things. A guy is not referred to as neither slutty or easy when he behaves like I do. Let’s stop calling women that! And a woman is not undateable when she gets a guy a thoughtful gift or keeps his favorite beer in her fridge.

Why should men then be undateable when they are emotionally available?

Why should women be undateable when they manage their sex lives how they want to?

I’m not saying that we need to start a movement to defend men, BY ANY MEANS. Those little shits definitely don’t need our help in life, amirite? But I guess I do think it’s an interesting dichotomy in the blogiterature of dating and relationships, and such.

Betty’s #equalpayday Reading List

10 Apr

There’s been a lot of buzz this week thanks to Equal Pay Day and the bigger question of women’s equality in the workplace. Or shall we say, “the left’s latest bizarre obsession.” Guilty as charged, Mitchy.

More thoughts on this TK, but here is some food for thought that particularly caught my attention this week:

1.
If she can do it, why can’t YOU? A great reflection on why the ‘Lean In’/’Having It All’ mantra is great for privileged women who are in the right place at the right time, but can set unfair expectations for the rest of us.

2.
I Wasn’t a Fan of Sheryl Sandberg’s—Until I Couldn’t Find a Job From the opposite viewpoint of the first article, a young college grad reflects on how Sheryl Sandberg’s credo empowered her to take the reins of her own career in an unfriendly economy.

3.
Why Women Don’t Ask For More Money A great read + listen (there’s audio too – gym listening anyone?) on the perpetual question of women asking for raises.

Together, I think these raise some interesting questions about whether the lower position of women in the economy/workplace – something I think most of us would agree exists, even if we don’t agree on how to handle it – has to do with individual initiative or structural economic and political factors. Which, of course, also underlies basically every domestic political/economic debate in our country since LBJ.

Let us know your thoughts in the comments. We’re looking forward to more debate on this in upcoming posts!

-Betty

Just Me & My Hand

18 Mar

By Stacie Smack

Note & Warning: I am not a professional. These are only my opinions based on my personal experiences. Some people would describe the following as slightly explicit.

I was reading a cosmo the other day, obviously looking for some top-of-the-line advice on all things important, and in their “456,709 tips for hot sexxx”, they included one that is fairly ubiquitous on these advice columns: “put on a show for your man by getting off in front of him”.

Now, I like to think that I’m pretty liberal and open-minded when it comes to trying new things. However, my reaction whenever I read that tip (which is literally in almost every issue of Cosmo) is that I can’t really see myself trying that.

Masturbation is a terribly private topic for women, at least based on my experiences. The proliferation of sex toys and shops has changed this a bit. We definitely talk more now about vibrators. But beyond that, it seems like an under-discussed topic. We talk about orgasms in the context of experiencing them during sex. But self-attained orgasms? Not something I’ve talked about a lot.

Why is this our reaction?

To contrast the thought, think of how boys grow up thinking about it. They start having “wet dreams” early on in their lives, which means that parents have to talk to them about what it means and what is happening with their bodies. I’m not saying they grow up to think of it as a completely beautiful process, but it’s not framed as “gross” or taboo. Simply as private.

Can you, a woman, remember having had a conversation like that? Have you heard from friends? Have you seen it in a movie? Girls are much less likely to have a conversation about masturbation. I suppose it’s a lot less obvious when it happens, and since there’s no sheets to clean, it doesn’t really require a conversation with a parent. But I am certain that a majority of you have a vague memory of waking up and grinding against a sheet and feeling “something”.

And yet, no one explained to you why it happened, or even what happened. Men normalize masturbation at younger age than we do. They grow up with it. Women sometimes don’t even discover the process until they’ve become sexually active. Our moms taught us about getting our periods, shaving our legs, and putting on make-up. We are not told that we too can experience arousal.

Think about it, we probably learn how to get a guy off before we even think about getting ourselves off. The same can’t be said about the lesser sex. Hand jobs are like second nature to so many women.

And just to make the conversation even more disjointed, think of the term “lady-boner” which men and women like to use so much. I guess it’s a way of describing female arousal. And yet, we don’t have a bone that indicates the state of being. I guess, we say “I’m wet” but for some reason, it sounds dirty. A boner is inoffensive. Sometimes funny. Being wet does not carry the same tone.

Anyways, let’s wrap this all up. I don’t expect us to talk about how we get ourselves off openly all of a sudden. I just think we should find ways to talk to our daughters about it, as something natural that is part of puberty. Don’t you think so? If guys can joke about getting hard, cumming, boning, why can’t we find an equivalent?

Boys, Sometimes a Girl Just Needs One (But Sometimes Not).

11 Mar

by Stacie Smack

It’s always been a common known fact that I am going to be the 60 year old in the leopard leggings, sequin top, and a 27 year old boy toy. My friends love to joke about how I will be the one who’s always up to take a ladies trip somewhere fun, who’ll have the ultimate bachelorette* apartment fully stocked with wine, chips, and hummus, so that they can come and take a load off from their presumably married family lives.

Honestly, I’m just flattered that they think that I’ll be rich enough to afford wine and a penthouse, that I’ll still have my fabulous looks and oh-so great curves, and that I’ll still have my amazing flirtation and seduction skills (and humility?) that will lead me to have a solid rotation of 2 or 3 men that will obviously be eternally devoted and in love with me, without expecting me to love them in return.

Right?

Despite the pride I take in my reputation, I spend an awful lot of time whining about how much I hate single life. I mean, just look at every single blog post I’ve ever written (hint: they’re all about boys and dating).

And let’s be real, it is definitely not just me. I actually have this terrible tendency of eavesdropping on conversations whenever I see two or three 20-something women walking by me (and no, I’m not ashamed to admit that I’ll adjust my pace so that I can listen for longer). And my rigorous statistical analysis has shown that approximately 89.4% of the time, the conversations that these women are having are about boys.

So why do we let this subject matter take up 76.8% of our mental space? What if instead of spending the last 2 hours looking at my phone to see if “he” texted me back, I had read another chapter of Lean In? What if I had worked on my blog post ahead of time?

Why is the subject of relationships such a time suck?

Well, duh Stacie. Because there are all sorts of pressures all around us! Family, friends, TV shows. BIOLOGY! All of these things are like little voices inside of our womanly heads  saying “find a man before you shrivel up all alone!”

Scenario 1: Some of your closest friends are in relationships. Obviously you crave one too! They’re doing all the gross couple-y stuff you want to be doing that you used to do with your friend before she got herself a date. You become hyper aware of how alone you are because not only do you see your friend enjoying her relationship, you also mourn the loss of the 24/7 hour friend. And this may be a tad dramatic (not at all), but I don’t care (I love it). Not all women ditch their friends once in a relationship, but they now have a new person to make time for and yet, the amount of available time in a day hasn’t changed! Something’s gotta give.

Scenario 2: Your older sister was married when she was your age now! And you’re still single trying to make assholes in law school fall in love with you. Something must be wrong with you. Except it’s not, and please don’t ask me that question again. Your sister (or cousin, or mom) was just different. It’s not that she got lucky, or that she’s the exception. Her life just happened in a different order.

So yeah, this is all easier said than done. These pressures are not going away. And let’s face it, we LOVE talking about “BOYZ”. Otherwise, why would we do it so much? So I say, let’s embrace the boy-talk. Let’s over-analyze every text. Relieve every minute of that first hook up outside the AdMo McDonald’s. Stay in bed a little longer after he lives because you can still smell his shirt on your bed. Spend 5 hours at brunch recounting last night’s shenanigans and planning your future wedding with “Rando #2”. Let’s open our arms and accept the boy psychosis.

But let’s be aware that it is a bit of a psychosis – it’s an exaggerated hyper reality. Let’s be constantly aware that we are definitely over analyzing a text,a word, a gesture. Let’s enjoy the emotional ride for a bit, but let’s remember that it shouldn’t define our state of being. Yes, a partner can make you “happy”, but so can best friends, professional satisfaction, family, or tequila. More importantly, you can make you happy! Don’t let the male gender control you. We already have a gigantic glass ceiling to break through, let’s not also create glass walls.

Say yes to love, dates, romance, hook ups, adventures!

But say yes to moving on, being young, having opportunities, appreciating your independence!

*Google Chrome doesn’t recognize the word bachelorette and wants me to correct it to bachelor. GOOD BYE.