Tag Archives: orgasms

Just Me & My Hand

18 Mar

By Stacie Smack

Note & Warning: I am not a professional. These are only my opinions based on my personal experiences. Some people would describe the following as slightly explicit.

I was reading a cosmo the other day, obviously looking for some top-of-the-line advice on all things important, and in their “456,709 tips for hot sexxx”, they included one that is fairly ubiquitous on these advice columns: “put on a show for your man by getting off in front of him”.

Now, I like to think that I’m pretty liberal and open-minded when it comes to trying new things. However, my reaction whenever I read that tip (which is literally in almost every issue of Cosmo) is that I can’t really see myself trying that.

Masturbation is a terribly private topic for women, at least based on my experiences. The proliferation of sex toys and shops has changed this a bit. We definitely talk more now about vibrators. But beyond that, it seems like an under-discussed topic. We talk about orgasms in the context of experiencing them during sex. But self-attained orgasms? Not something I’ve talked about a lot.

Why is this our reaction?

To contrast the thought, think of how boys grow up thinking about it. They start having “wet dreams” early on in their lives, which means that parents have to talk to them about what it means and what is happening with their bodies. I’m not saying they grow up to think of it as a completely beautiful process, but it’s not framed as “gross” or taboo. Simply as private.

Can you, a woman, remember having had a conversation like that? Have you heard from friends? Have you seen it in a movie? Girls are much less likely to have a conversation about masturbation. I suppose it’s a lot less obvious when it happens, and since there’s no sheets to clean, it doesn’t really require a conversation with a parent. But I am certain that a majority of you have a vague memory of waking up and grinding against a sheet and feeling “something”.

And yet, no one explained to you why it happened, or even what happened. Men normalize masturbation at younger age than we do. They grow up with it. Women sometimes don’t even discover the process until they’ve become sexually active. Our moms taught us about getting our periods, shaving our legs, and putting on make-up. We are not told that we too can experience arousal.

Think about it, we probably learn how to get a guy off before we even think about getting ourselves off. The same can’t be said about the lesser sex. Hand jobs are like second nature to so many women.

And just to make the conversation even more disjointed, think of the term “lady-boner” which men and women like to use so much. I guess it’s a way of describing female arousal. And yet, we don’t have a bone that indicates the state of being. I guess, we say “I’m wet” but for some reason, it sounds dirty. A boner is inoffensive. Sometimes funny. Being wet does not carry the same tone.

Anyways, let’s wrap this all up. I don’t expect us to talk about how we get ourselves off openly all of a sudden. I just think we should find ways to talk to our daughters about it, as something natural that is part of puberty. Don’t you think so? If guys can joke about getting hard, cumming, boning, why can’t we find an equivalent?


‘O’ Requested – Introduction

12 Nov

By Stacie Smack

This is the first in an ongoing series where we discuss that most elusive of phenomena, the female orgasm, and related matters.

Recently, the New York Times put out an article  on women and hookups (something I am sure they are are all VERY familiar with). I’ve decided to share my thoughts. Briefly.

I don’t know WHY we always have to blame the partner on not making us achieve climax. Presumably, in an encounter, there’s always the implicit male dominance (not always, but we can’t deny that the majority of the times, we let the guy take charge). And then HE insures that HE finishes. We should be doing the same, rather than expecting them to “finish” us, no?  If we’re feeling adventurous enough for hook-ups, we should be adventurous enough to demand things that we know help us orgasm. An emotional connection is not required to find the big ‘O’, ladies.

Also, I know that has been written about over and over again. But, the whole thing about how the male orgasm is SO connected to reproduction (and survival of the species), whereas the female orgasm is independent of our ability to reproduce is not talked about enough. Ejaculation (evolutionarily speaking) should be easy since we want to keep humans alive, and lucky them, it also feels really good! I’m not really sure what that means/implies. It’s just an interesting fact I hadn’t really thought about before. Does this put us at a natural “disadvantage”? (assuming we define success = orgasm, which is also not always the case).

Just because it’s casual or because you’re never going to see the guy again, doesn’t mean you don’t need to or shouldn’t communicate (or take charge… who knows, he could even like it).