Tag Archives: let’s talk about sex

An Unusual Double Standard

1 Jul

“Ugh, he just loves me SO much. I can’t even”, I say to my friend Meghan for the third time in our 45-minute long daily phone conversation, which in case you were wondering covers anything from relationship to metabolism statuses.

Yes, I am annoyed that this man is being too available, giving me too much attention, and treating me too well. I can’t really understand it… I obviously am sick of being treated like dirt, over and over again. Shouldn’t I welcome this change?

I haven’t yet figured out what’s going on, but a long time ago, Betty and I drew an interesting parallel that we’ve observed in our statistically significant sample (ie. our 20 friends).

Being easy.

Every woman reading this right now can probably accurately define being easy as a woman. And though we probably don’t call men easy, we can probably think of at least one guy who is. What do I mean by this?

A woman is easy when… she sleeps with a guy on the first date.

A man is easy when… he texts immediately after a date telling you he had a good time.

A woman is easy when… she goes home with a dude from a bar.

A man is easy when… he is willing to rearrange his schedule to go on a date with you.

A woman is easy when… she’s willing to be a 2am booty-call.

A man is easy when… he tells you he likes you.

A woman is easy when… a guy can kick her out of her apartment at 4am and she does leave.

A man is easy when… he just wants to cuddle you when you show up at his place drunk at 2am.

Obviously these are outrageous generalizations (and really weird ones). But you get the idea… So many of us get turned off by guys who are willing to put forth their emotions and actually show interest in us. I don’t mean the clinger who thinks that two dates makes you his boyfriend. I mean the guy who’s always willing to sleepover at your place, without ever asking you to go over. The guy who buys you a thoughtful christmas present, even though you got him nothing. The guy who’s willing to drive you home on the weekend, so that you don’t have to wait for the metro.

I spend a lot of time being angry about the fact that having a very active sex life played by my own rules categorizes me as “slutty”, “easy” and “undateable”. And yet, I am a huge hypocrite who judges guys negatively for not insulting me at a bar, or not wanting to go home with me from the bar but rather just wanting my number. We need to stop doing both things. A guy is not referred to as neither slutty or easy when he behaves like I do. Let’s stop calling women that! And a woman is not undateable when she gets a guy a thoughtful gift or keeps his favorite beer in her fridge.

Why should men then be undateable when they are emotionally available?

Why should women be undateable when they manage their sex lives how they want to?

I’m not saying that we need to start a movement to defend men, BY ANY MEANS. Those little shits definitely don’t need our help in life, amirite? But I guess I do think it’s an interesting dichotomy in the blogiterature of dating and relationships, and such.

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Just Me & My Hand

18 Mar

By Stacie Smack

Note & Warning: I am not a professional. These are only my opinions based on my personal experiences. Some people would describe the following as slightly explicit.

I was reading a cosmo the other day, obviously looking for some top-of-the-line advice on all things important, and in their “456,709 tips for hot sexxx”, they included one that is fairly ubiquitous on these advice columns: “put on a show for your man by getting off in front of him”.

Now, I like to think that I’m pretty liberal and open-minded when it comes to trying new things. However, my reaction whenever I read that tip (which is literally in almost every issue of Cosmo) is that I can’t really see myself trying that.

Masturbation is a terribly private topic for women, at least based on my experiences. The proliferation of sex toys and shops has changed this a bit. We definitely talk more now about vibrators. But beyond that, it seems like an under-discussed topic. We talk about orgasms in the context of experiencing them during sex. But self-attained orgasms? Not something I’ve talked about a lot.

Why is this our reaction?

To contrast the thought, think of how boys grow up thinking about it. They start having “wet dreams” early on in their lives, which means that parents have to talk to them about what it means and what is happening with their bodies. I’m not saying they grow up to think of it as a completely beautiful process, but it’s not framed as “gross” or taboo. Simply as private.

Can you, a woman, remember having had a conversation like that? Have you heard from friends? Have you seen it in a movie? Girls are much less likely to have a conversation about masturbation. I suppose it’s a lot less obvious when it happens, and since there’s no sheets to clean, it doesn’t really require a conversation with a parent. But I am certain that a majority of you have a vague memory of waking up and grinding against a sheet and feeling “something”.

And yet, no one explained to you why it happened, or even what happened. Men normalize masturbation at younger age than we do. They grow up with it. Women sometimes don’t even discover the process until they’ve become sexually active. Our moms taught us about getting our periods, shaving our legs, and putting on make-up. We are not told that we too can experience arousal.

Think about it, we probably learn how to get a guy off before we even think about getting ourselves off. The same can’t be said about the lesser sex. Hand jobs are like second nature to so many women.

And just to make the conversation even more disjointed, think of the term “lady-boner” which men and women like to use so much. I guess it’s a way of describing female arousal. And yet, we don’t have a bone that indicates the state of being. I guess, we say “I’m wet” but for some reason, it sounds dirty. A boner is inoffensive. Sometimes funny. Being wet does not carry the same tone.

Anyways, let’s wrap this all up. I don’t expect us to talk about how we get ourselves off openly all of a sudden. I just think we should find ways to talk to our daughters about it, as something natural that is part of puberty. Don’t you think so? If guys can joke about getting hard, cumming, boning, why can’t we find an equivalent?