Tag Archives: funk

Family “Values”

9 Apr

Anyone who has ever met me knows how much I adore being a part of my family. For decades (ugh, decades??) now, I have bragged about how hilarious, accomplished, loving, and just wonderful people they are. We are by no means a normal family – for as long as I can remember we have used the words “weird” “loud” and “obnoxious” to describe our behavior. But it has always been in a fun, spirited way – hopefully appreciated by most who come in contact with us.

We’re close. Like, weirdly close. My family is not just my mom and brothers. My cousins are as close to me as my siblings, and my aunts, uncles, and grandparents have been involved in every step of my adult life. Growing up, we all got together at least once every week (usually Sundays at Grandma’s after church), made sure to make time for family trips to the movies/bowling/amusement parks/etc on a regular basis, and always took a family vacation each summer.

I digress.

Ever since moving to DC, things have changed. I’m the oldest sibling and cousin, and therefore was the first to move out of the house, go to college, (only one to) study abroad, and eventually find a real job. My family are a bunch of home-bodies, and I guess it was always assumed that everyone, no matter their occupation, would stay within a one hour radius of our city for the rest of our lives. I know how ridiculous that sounds… But understand that the career paths of my brothers and cousins will likely allow them to do just that. As for me, I needed to get the eff outta dodge.

I’ve been in DC for exactly one year and one day as of today. (YAY!) And yet, it isn’t until right now that I’ve realized how distant I’ve become from so many people in just one year. Growing apart from friends is normal, and usually I am able to pick up where I left off with them every time I go home. There are no ill-feelings that I left them to pursue a career in a different city. But my family is different. It’s like they hold it against me – constantly. Subtly, but it’s there.

It’s only within these past few months that I’ve noticed it with them. But everytime I come home, I feel like I’m on the defensive with everyone. I’ve had to justify my actions for breaking up with my boyfriend (who they all assume I will get back together with… no). I constantly try to impress them by talking about my job, or bring up fun things that one can only find in DC, and they change the subject. I had knee surgery a little over a month ago, and it has barely been acknowledged by ANY of them since. I tell them I’m coming home on a Friday night, and they instead plan a family dinner and a movie for Thursday. Am I missing something here? When did I go from being a member of the family to some outsider begging to be let back in?

It hurts, guys. It really freaking sucks.

Of course I still love my family. I have put so much energy into trying to keep my relationship with them strong even though I live farther away. I still tell everyone how close my family is, how well we all get along, and how you should be jealous that you aren’t a part of it. But do I mean it anymore? I’ve been here for an entire year, and I’ve had exactly one visitor: My mother.

I can’t imagine acting like this if the roles were reversed. Being the one who gives more in a relationship (friends/boys/etc) and not getting the same in return is not exactly a new concept to me. Honestly… story of my life (thanks, 1D). But I never thought this would also happen in my family. Maybe I’m in a funk?

Honestly I’m unsure what to do moving forward. Half of me wants to pack my bags and head to Europe on a whim (wait, I actually always want to do that) and see how long it takes them to realize I’ve gone. I’m afraid to bring this all up to them, because I really don’t know how they’d react. Do they realize they’re even doing this? For now, I’ve decided to kinda shut myself off for a while. I’m done sending messages to our mass family group text and getting zero responses. I’m done trying to organize a family dinner that no one has time to go to. I’m done putting in all the effort and getting the cold shoulder in return. Maybe when I go home this month, things will suddenly get better. But until that happens, I’m taking a break from trying to be a real member of my family.

Sorry, but I’m not sorry about this.



No More Ms. Nice Girl

14 Mar

I’m in a bit of a funk.

Everything about everything and everybody is driving me absolutely freakin’ nuts. fjdasl;fjads;dla

me, everytime somebody speaks or looks at me.

It pretty much all started last week. I’m pretty type A – my closet is organized by season, type, color, my nail polish by color, my movies alphabetically, etc….so moving last week just threw a wrench in my life. Although I love my new apartment, it doesn’t really feel like home yet. Things are DEFINITELY still in disarray, I feel like I haven’t had a single minute to organize my closet and my THINGS.

PLUS I turned 24 last week, so cue a maaaaajor quarter life crisis. As my week went on, I was continually reminded that I’m not gallivanting my little college town anymore, something I often forget since DC can sometimes be one big frat party. I was also sick. Very very sick. The doctor banned me from “strenuous activity” which included my beloved spin class.

17 Things That Happen At Your First Spin Class

What was a girl to do the week before her birthday party without sticking to a strict diet and exercise regime?! (I’m cutting out gluten and sugar, and consuming a very very limited amount of processed foods, so maybe that’s got something to do with my funk…) I was miserable. And watched a lot of tv. And shopped. That is what I did the week before my birthday party.

My birthday was the light at the end of the tunnel of last week, and I couldn’t have been more excited. SEVEN of my fabulous college friends (clearly I’ve already lived my glory days) were set to come and I was so. damn. excited. Two of them were in town for something else, three of them live here but I don’t see them nearly often enough, one planned a vacation/visit to see me here, and the other planned a special trip for my birthday.

22 Dogs Who Are Just Really Excited To Be Dogs

So imagine my devastation when the week before, one of my very best friends canceled her trip. After a trying couple months at work, the funk I was entering, and my mysterious illness, I neeeeded some bestie time. I understood why she was unable to come, but it still sucked. I put that behind me and geared up for the big day. When five out of those seven people, including the trip canceler, straight up BAILED, and offered no good excuses, I was pissed, upset, confused, and DRAMATIC.

45 Ridiculous And Amazing GIFs Of Nene Leakes For Her Birthday

In between mild panic attacks that I was secretly the most hated person in America Karen of my friend group, another friend stirred up some REAL drama with a DIFFERENT group of college friends, solidifying my thoughts that I was indeed, Karen (ps if you’re unfamiliar with Karen, watch the video below).

Phone calls/texts/e-mails started to roll in from my friends that things had come up/the night got away from them/they were stuck elsewhere/ and other various explanations. I still felt like Karen, but much less so. (PS – if I actually thought I was the Karen, I would not be writing this. I’m well aware that I am not the Karen. But blacked out Anne thought otherwise)

My night went on and I had an amazing time despite the missing few. My friends are fabulous and so generous. At the end of the night, I chose a burrito  over a boy. WHAT?!?!?! I know. That’s another part of the funk I’m in. Similar to what Jill was feeling recently, I somehow have not been my boy-obsessed self. As I mentioned earlier, I probably lived all my glory days in college. I hooked up with allllll the boys, I went to all of the parties, I experimented with drugs, I bought anything I wanted whenever I wanted. Honestly, I’m  feeling a little been there done that with some of the things my friends are going through.

Everything You Missed In The First Episode Of Lindsay Lohan's New Reality Show

(actually I love it)

*I felt myself relating way too closely to LiLo during parts of her OWN docuseries…… (Just the part where she said there wasn’t a party she hadn’t been to, etc. and didn’t need that stuff anymore – don’t worry y’all!)

This leads to my annoyance as demonstrated by the one and only Jessica Day above. This whole week, I have been on serious edge, everything everybody does is driving me nuts (sorry friends – I love you. And it’s nothing personal, I’m just grumpy). On Tuesday I opted out of a social gathering to sit at home and skype with my mom while drinking wine and online shopping (to be fair, she did buy me a lot of things). Suuuper not betchy of me.

Today, Betty told me to stop being so responsible, and although she meant it jokingly, she was totally right. I’ve started taking everything way, way, WAY too seriously. Sure, I’ve got more drama in my life currently than I have in years, and there’s a lot at stake, but I need to calm the fuck down and learn to live in the god damn moment. WHO CARES IF MY NAIL POLISH ISN’T ORGANIZED BY COLOR? WHO CARES IF I GO HOME WITH THIS BOY AND HE NEVER TEXTS ME AGAIN?

Is this a standard quarter life/post grad dilemma? I recently had to learn a lesson about keeping friendships separate from professional relationships you may have with that same person, and that situation has been a serious rollercoaster and reminded me that I am, in fact, growing up, and there’s more at stake than maybe not getting invited to a party. My whole life I have been uber concentrated on being the most popular, the best dressed, etc., and now that I don’t feel that same pressure, and more important factors are coming into play, I’m feeling a little lost. UGH. I’m even annoyed by myself.

Anybody else experiencing this mid twenties slump? Maybe getting back into the swing of things the next couple weeks will put me on the right track, I guess only time will tell….

Thanks for listening to the rant. I promise I’ll try to be less boring again. XOXO.