Tag Archives: forever

State of the Stacie (and her Love Life)

8 Jul

Interesting (to me) things are happening in Stacie’s mind right now.

As I may have mentioned before, after 1.5 years of “meeting” as many high caliber DC men as possible on a weekly basis and one dragged out casual-hook-up-turned-obsession, I decided to give the whole exclusive thing a try.

Eight months later, I’m still kind of digging it. As the SR ladies know, I’ve had crazy fluctuating feelings about it, from tears worried that he wanted to dump me to moments of anger wishing I could dump the dweeb. Super stable, obvi. But lately, I’ve started getting more into it, wishing he was in my bed more often, not wanting to leave his place on Sunday, well you get the idea.

Just based on the last few weeks, I have a sense that he wants to tell me he loves me. Maybe I think too much of myself, but I don’t think that’s what it is. The fact that my reaction to this feeling is that I’m worried has made me ask myself a lot of new questions that I didn’t expect. And because this blog is just an exercise in self-indulgence, I will share my thoughts and questions.

I don’t think I can say it back. Honestly, I don’t know if I do or don’t. There are things about him that I like a lot. There are things about him that I can’t stand. Ultimately, I know he’s not someone I “want to end up with”.

And what baffles me is that I hate saying that. I hate the tendency that relationships have to be framed in that context. Why does it have to be about ending up with someone? Why can’t we just date and hang out now in the present and really like each other until we don’t anymore? Well, because maybe he’s 27 and that’s equally as close to 24 as it is to 30 and his friends are starting to move in with their significant others, and because I hear so many stories about people who “wasted three years” dating someone.

I don’t think it’s wasting time if you’re dating someone who you don’t intend to marry. I mean, I don’t think most people decide who to date exclusively based on marriage potential, do they? I don’t even want to get married, so does that mean that I shouldn’t date? Obviously not. Hopefully. But what if he does? What if he’s like so many other guys I know that strangely like to break up with girls by saying “I just can’t see myself being married to you”. Am I being mean to him by making him think that this is the “real thing” or whatever when that’s not at all where I stand?

Perhaps, the solution to this problem is actually talking. If we each bring up our feelings and wants and needs in life, all of these questions could be answered right? But let me remind you that I am the girl that when asked how he could introduce me to his friends I responded with “your pimp, number 1 slam piece, or madame of the night”. And then we literally never talked about it again. So as you can see, the likelihood of us having an honest conversation about things is not something I see in the horizon, unless I’m wasted.

And maybe, my inability to talk about things sheds some more light on the situation. Shouldn’t I feel comfortable and able to talk about things with the guy I’ve been seeing for eight months exclusively? Honestly, I don’t think I ever will. I’m not someone who who likes talking with anyone! Imagine having to talk about feelings with the guy that I let “pound me so hard” on a weekly basis.

Am I going to look like an asshole if I can’t say I love you back?

Is it dragging him along if I know I don’t want to date him forever? Despite the fact that I do legitimately like him and I am really enjoying being with him?

For now, I’m just relishing how good things are going. I’m letting him treat me like no guy has ever treated me before. I’m letting him show me things he likes, I’m taking him out to eat to places that I enjoy, I’m loving the sex, and I’m giving into spending an entire Sunday wearing his shirt, watching Game of Thrones, and eating chinese food, without stepping foot outside. And it is good.

How I Met Your… Aunt?

1 Apr

by Stacie Smack

WARNING: Massive spoilers ahead if you haven’t watched the HIMYM Finale yet.

I’ve written about this before. I tend to be fairly vocal and open when it comes to my views on marriage, monogamy, and the fairy tale of “forever”. Well, here I am, at it again.

I (like a billion other people) was watching the HIMYM finale last night, and I couldn’t help but appreciate the (perhaps unintentional but most likely not) commentary on marriage.

Throughout the entire show, and boy was there a LOT of show, Robin and Ted’s relationship bounces around more than my weight in the last two years. They obviously love each other, have great chemistry, and enjoy each other’s company. BUT. And it’s a big but. They want different things. He wants kids, and a family. She hates kids, and wants nothing holding her back, while she travels the world. After 9 seasons, we get it guys. You want different things.

And so they each go about their lives, trying to accomplish what they want. Ted finally meets The Mother. They have kids. They live in the suburbs. They are in love. Robin finally becomes a world travelling anchor.

I just want to talk in circles about two things:

1) Robin and Barney get a divorce.

They had been fighting. They were both unhappy. And so she offers him an option. She offers him a clean freeway exit on Year Three.

This is a nod to my (and others’) theory of Marital contracts rather than eternal vows. I’m not saying they had a clean break. But after three years, they revisited their priorities, and these had changed. They should be able to get out if it doesn’t make sense to be together anymore. Why do three good years need to feel like a failure just because it wasn’t forever? Many things have expiration dates. Maybe relationships do too.

2) Robin and Ted end up together.

People seem to be OUTRAGED by this. They feel cheated. They wanted the fairy tale love that Tracy was supposed to bring to Ted.

I think people are too quick to draw conclusions. And yes this is a fictional show. But how many relationships follow a similar pattern? In particular, the one of finding love much later than what is expected. Doesn’t it make perfect sense that they should be together now?

He has his family and the suburbs and he had the fairy tale love which was sadly taken from him. She was able to spend over a decade flying all over the world without responsibilities for others. His kids are older and need less attention. If he could have stayed with his wife forever he would have, but that was not the case. He is alone again. She is slowing down. All of a sudden, they no longer want different things because they already experienced and lived through the things they wanted that kept them apart. Now, they just want each other.

I guess what I’m trying to get to is that we don’t give enough credit to our selfishness, our ever-changing desires, and our independence. Especially US. The generation that grew up being told that we can do whatever, whenever, however we want to because the world is our oyster and everything is accessible to us. How are we expected to know what we want in EVERY aspect of our lives by the time we are 28 which is apparently the universal “start freaking out about finding a partner” age.

I’m not saying it’s wrong to get married young. I’m not saying you shouldn’t want to find love. But I do wish we could take a step back and realize that we all have different priorities, and sometimes these conflict with settling down and having to start sharing a life – or sometimes your partner’s desires conflict with you wanting to settle down and share a life. Sometimes we love someone but the timing isn’t right. That doesn’t mean that it will never be right. And I’m not claiming these are soul mates either and that you should sit around and wait for the time to be right. If so, it never will be. But we need to slow our rolls and be less married to our expectations, because that’s not how life is. You do you, fight for what you want, and embrace that sometimes the ending you expected is not the ending that you’ll actually get.

So to all the HIMYM finale haters, think about it. Doesn’t it fit like the perfect puzzle piece?