Tag Archives: exclusive

State of the Stacie (and her Love Life)

8 Jul

Interesting (to me) things are happening in Stacie’s mind right now.

As I may have mentioned before, after 1.5 years of “meeting” as many high caliber DC men as possible on a weekly basis and one dragged out casual-hook-up-turned-obsession, I decided to give the whole exclusive thing a try.

Eight months later, I’m still kind of digging it. As the SR ladies know, I’ve had crazy fluctuating feelings about it, from tears worried that he wanted to dump me to moments of anger wishing I could dump the dweeb. Super stable, obvi. But lately, I’ve started getting more into it, wishing he was in my bed more often, not wanting to leave his place on Sunday, well you get the idea.

Just based on the last few weeks, I have a sense that he wants to tell me he loves me. Maybe I think too much of myself, but I don’t think that’s what it is. The fact that my reaction to this feeling is that I’m worried has made me ask myself a lot of new questions that I didn’t expect. And because this blog is just an exercise in self-indulgence, I will share my thoughts and questions.

I don’t think I can say it back. Honestly, I don’t know if I do or don’t. There are things about him that I like a lot. There are things about him that I can’t stand. Ultimately, I know he’s not someone I “want to end up with”.

And what baffles me is that I hate saying that. I hate the tendency that relationships have to be framed in that context. Why does it have to be about ending up with someone? Why can’t we just date and hang out now in the present and really like each other until we don’t anymore? Well, because maybe he’s 27 and that’s equally as close to 24 as it is to 30 and his friends are starting to move in with their significant others, and because I hear so many stories about people who “wasted three years” dating someone.

I don’t think it’s wasting time if you’re dating someone who you don’t intend to marry. I mean, I don’t think most people decide who to date exclusively based on marriage potential, do they? I don’t even want to get married, so does that mean that I shouldn’t date? Obviously not. Hopefully. But what if he does? What if he’s like so many other guys I know that strangely like to break up with girls by saying “I just can’t see myself being married to you”. Am I being mean to him by making him think that this is the “real thing” or whatever when that’s not at all where I stand?

Perhaps, the solution to this problem is actually talking. If we each bring up our feelings and wants and needs in life, all of these questions could be answered right? But let me remind you that I am the girl that when asked how he could introduce me to his friends I responded with “your pimp, number 1 slam piece, or madame of the night”. And then we literally never talked about it again. So as you can see, the likelihood of us having an honest conversation about things is not something I see in the horizon, unless I’m wasted.

And maybe, my inability to talk about things sheds some more light on the situation. Shouldn’t I feel comfortable and able to talk about things with the guy I’ve been seeing for eight months exclusively? Honestly, I don’t think I ever will. I’m not someone who who likes talking with anyone! Imagine having to talk about feelings with the guy that I let “pound me so hard” on a weekly basis.

Am I going to look like an asshole if I can’t say I love you back?

Is it dragging him along if I know I don’t want to date him forever? Despite the fact that I do legitimately like him and I am really enjoying being with him?

For now, I’m just relishing how good things are going. I’m letting him treat me like no guy has ever treated me before. I’m letting him show me things he likes, I’m taking him out to eat to places that I enjoy, I’m loving the sex, and I’m giving into spending an entire Sunday wearing his shirt, watching Game of Thrones, and eating chinese food, without stepping foot outside. And it is good.

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The Fishing Theory

17 Dec

by Stacie Smack

I regularly wish I taped my therapy sessions. There are some real gems that come out of the conversations I have with Tito (as one would hope, given the steep fee I’m charged for those 50 minutes of uninterrupted me-talk). Because of basic common sense and because good quality wires are so expensive, I don’t tape them.

Recently, he and I established that my approach to dating is like fishing. I’ve never gone fishing but I have a basic understanding of how it works, thank you television. There’s a lot of preparation that goes into fishing, a lot of planning, and it’s not a simple task. Yet, there is a clear goal: to catch a fish.

As it turns out, when one goes fishing, one does not jump into the ocean and yell “I want fish! Come to me fish!”. This would be too direct, too noisy, and too obvious and the fish would get scared and obviously swim away.  Instead, there’s bait designed to be deceiving. The idea is to convince the fish that you want nothing to do with them – in fact you conceal the hook (what gets you what you want) to look like food (something that they want that you would never actually want to eat yourself!). You give the wrong impression and that guarantees that you’ll get the fish!

I’m hoping that by now, the metaphor has become quite clear. I spend a lot of time sitting on that big leather chair, telling him how much I want a man to fall in love with me head over heels. And as I tell him, I realize that  we go out to bars and we talk to guys and we do everything possible to seem cool, unattached, and as far from desperate as possible. We conceal what we really want so well, because we are so scared (perhaps rightfully so) that if we approach the process directly, all men will see is flutter in the water and they will swim away.

I mean, really, can you imagine what would happen if you went up to a guy and said “Hi, I’m Blah Blah and I want to be married by 26 and start having babies at 27, would you be interested in finding out if you are the one I should do it with?” Luckily for me, I don’t want any of those things. But I run out of fingers and toes if I try to count the number of girlfriends I have who do want that. And, you can bet your ass that by the time you finish that sentence, you’ll be talking to a wall.

I know I am generalizing here. Not every girl dresses “to impress men” and no woman should. But at least I know I am guilty of dressing in low cut shirts and short skirts, not just because I feel confident and sexy, but because I know that guys will notice me. I egg them on in conversations that quickly begin to insinuate that they have a chance with me. Obviously, I’m totally hiding my real intentions and desires, and instead I play on to behavior that I hope will hook them, but that gives an impression that affects their behavior towards me.

I guess, when it comes to fishing, if you get the spicy ahi tuna to bite on the bite, it’s much more likely that it will get hooked and that you’ll have something for dinner that night. The fish won’t really run away once it’s on the boat. The same does not apply to men. Just because you get them to fall for the bait, either but getting a number or by getting into your pants, it does not guarantee that you’ll have what you really wanted.

I guess the point that Tito was trying to make is that perhaps dating is not like fishing and it should not be approached as such, but for some reason both men and women have been conditioned to play games that end up looking like that.The problem is that then you spend a couple of months dating someone, and you finally feel comfortable to say “hey, let’s be exclusive, let’s put labels on our relationship, and let’s work hard on this in case it can be forever” and this will still cause the fish (man) to jump overboard. You take away his bachelor status and he realizes that he can’t breath outside of the water. He starts choking, feels trapped and jumps! Even if there are other predators in the water, at least he’s in his natural environment!

The difference is that once you catch a man, the metaphor breaks. Being in a relationship does not equate to eating a caught fish for dinner.

So what now? For starters, I’m working on being more honest. Perhaps by not lying about what I do, or where I am from, or what I like to do. Perhaps by breaking Stacie’s Rules of Dating, and responding to a text immediately rather than waiting the necessary 4 hours.

So what now? It’s obviously not all me. Betty can tell you about this much better than I can, but perhaps guys need to stop feeling life fish out of water the second that a relationship starts getting serious. We are not trapping you, catching you, or taking you from your natural environment. Are we?