Tag Archives: DC

Dear Stale Bagels, Where is thy HEAT?

18 Jun

I’m done with online dating.**

After what I’d like to think of as an absurd amount of just okay first dates, almost all of which originating from some kind of online dating app, I might be throwing in the towel. I am in the process of adhering to Stacie’s advice about accepting a second date, because I believe her logic is sound. However, I think as a whole, this online dating thing is just not for me.

Initially the idea of going on lots of dates each week was incredibly appealing.

Coming from someone who has spent 85% of my last 6 years of life in a relationship, I relished the notion of having new conversations with different guys, the anxious butterfly feeling when meeting them for the first time, the opportunity to experience something brand new and not know what to expect! But, and I know this goes without saying, dating in DC is hard.

Most of the months that followed the demise of my 5 year relationship involved a total disregard of typical dating. I just wasn’t interested. I was cool with meeting dudes at bars, semi-poor life decisions, and whatever, but I wasn’t ready to hop on the dating bandwagon quite yet. That’s when my friends discovered Coffee Meets Bagel, Tinder, Hinge, etc. And I figured #WHYNOT.

My past relationships usually spurned from friendship, or at least mutual activities. Unlike Blind Bagel dates, there was no need to discuss topics like where I’m from, what college he went to, or what we do in our spare time. Conversation flowed easily, and pauses never felt awkward. Why? Because I had already invested in this person. The spark was already there. With online dating, all you have is the hope that something in the initial 45 minutes of conversation will capture your attention enough to stick around for another round of drinks. But more times than not, all I really felt like doing after my first beer was crawling into bed with my iPad and cottage cheese to watch more netflix. That would be 800 times more enjoyable than hearing about their desire to live a more active lifestyle

These guys that I go on dates with aren’t bad (well, most of them aren’t). They’re intelligent, well-traveled, have more or less interesting and stable jobs, and I’m sure have excellent futures ahead of them. So why is it that last night I left a quite attractive and well-spoken date after one drink in a bar because I’d rather watch Inside Combat Rescue with my friend and his dog? I DO NOT KNOW. Other than the fact that there was once again, there was zero spark.

As our wise Betty once said to me, “I think online dating has made it so much about trying out the different guys as if they were dresses and trying to fit them into the right boxes that we forget there IS such thing as an immediate spark.” Personally, I would rather find a guy in a bar who I felt immediate chemistry with, rather than pray that it magically appears while I spill Korean BBQ tacos on my skirt with them at dinner. I’d rather go on a date with someone I already know who I have shared interests with and can talk to, than click “Like” on another sexy 6’3 Jewish man on CMB. The idea of meeting a stranger is exciting – but only until you actually meet them. (Side note, I will always support the sheer entertainment of tinder.) But it doesn’t seem like it’s for me. The question is, will I stop?

The answer, dear readers, is likely a resounding no.

I’ll continue to swipe right, click like, make small talk, and venture on to many more Just Fine dates in the following weeks. Why (besides the fact that I’m getting a ridiculous amount of free food)? Because I’m desperate to think that one time, it’s going to be different. Maybe this guy who talked about making Baklava with his mom will be sweet. Maybe this guy who travels to Europe 4 times a year will be interesting. Maybe this guy with the picture of him playing a piano means he appreciates the same things that I do. Maybe, Maybe, Maybe. I’m sure we all know the outcome of this already. But it doesn’t mean I’m going to heed my own advice from my own article.

Thus, I jump back into the never-ending cycle of just fine dates that, if nothing else, result in great brunching topics of conversation. I have yet to find a spark of heat in a single one of them. But who knows… Maybe someday my bagels won’t be stale. Or not.

B.

(**I am not done with online dating.)

 

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The Interns Are Coming

4 Jun

All over DC, a slow but steady buildup has been approaching, finally erupting in offices everywhere this week.

You know how during Freshman orientation in college there was always a list of things to do/avoid so as not to be that Freshman? It ranged from getting rid of that tacky lanyard hanging around your neck with your student ID attached, to going to each and every organization’s free pizza party in order to save on your dine dollars.

Wouldn’t it be nice if DC held some kind of massive orientation in front of the Lincoln Monument for all the new interns that have arrived? If we had it our way, these are some of the key points that would be touched upon before they embark on their summer in the capital.

– Do Not ask a co-worker on a date the first week you meet. Or ever. The exact words that were used with one particular intern was “Would it be inappropriate to ask you on a date?” Yes, dear. Yes it would.

– We will give you stupid work. Shut up and do it. That’s what you’re here for.

– Don’t dress like a slut. A bandage skirt that has seen the depths of Saint-Ex does not double as a pencil skirt. And please leave your 5 inch red platform heels at home.

– Your opinions probably don’t matter. Sure you’re in the Student Government Association at your college, and therefore believe you have really brilliant ideas… but let’s be honest, you don’t.

– Gossip in DC is worse than in high school. Go ahead. Hook up with the intern from the legal department. Complain that your boss doesn’t deserve his position. Game on. Because We will find out.

– Standing directly in front of the cafeteria worker with 8 people behind you in line is not when you start pondering whether you want swiss or cheddar on your turkey sandwich. Know what you want for lunch, and order quickly. We’re all in a hurry.

– Don’t show up to work hungover multiple times in a week. We’re aware that you will party like it’s 2011 on random Tuesday nights at McFaddens, but pop some advil, drink a 5 hour energy, and pull yourself together man.

– Don’t go to McFaddens.

– Just because you’re the nephew of a senator, or the daughter of John Boehner’s college roommate’s cousin-in-law does not make you important. Sure, that’s how half of you got your internships. But don’t for two seconds think we want to deal with your douchebagery.

Follow these rules, use common sense, and don’t be a dick. That’s basically the summary of this post. And if you can do that, we will love you forever. If you can’t, we’ll laugh in your face, complain behind your back, and blog about you in the hopes that you see it someday.

Don’t be an intern statistic. We’ve all been there. And we’re rooting for you.

B.

Say Yes to the… Second Date!

3 Jun

by Stacie Smack

Summer is back in full force in DC, which (as we’ve mentioned before) means that the SR ladies are on a mission to go on as many dates as possible. Belle is leaving us all in the dust, having already gone on 4 or 5 first dates. The stories will eventually end up immortalized here because they are too good to be forgotten, yet they are not mine to tell, so you’ll have to wait a little longer.

Most of these dates happen due to the existence of a thousand and half dating apps. Aside from Tinder, the SR ladies have (finally!) gotten into CMB (Coffee Meets Bagel), a personal favorite of yours truly. Despite my lack of success stories, I know several individuals who’ve had ranging levels of success on the site, and I think we can have them too.

The thing is that with any dating site, you’re going to get a varied range of first dates and I promise you only 1 out of 5 will actually be mildly successful. Dating is hard. People misrepresent themselves online (LIE) to give a better first impression. What you think will make you compatible may not actually mean that you’ll be able to talk for three hours.

Dating is hard.

However, after hearing the date recaps from several ladies, I couldn’t help but wonder, are you giving the guy a chance?

I mean I totally get it, if the guy is missing his four front teeth and failed to mention that, and he also doesn’t directly look at you in the eyes for the entirety of your lunch date, well then maybe you’re not being too picky. Bad dates happen all the time.

But when I hear my friends say things like “there was no spark” or “he drank less than I did” or “there were some awkward silences”, I want to yell at them so loudly, because ladies, let’s be real. IT WAS JUST A FREAKING FIRST DATE!

Here are the facts: he was nervous too, online dating is awkward so there will be silences! Honestly, there probably wouldn’t be a spark either with the guy at the bar if you hadn’t been 3 fireball shots in already. He’s someone you know NOTHING about, so maybe he drinks less and you didn’t know that. Or maybe he is more focused on getting to know you than pounding down G&Ts.

I just think that there is so much time between when you first find out about each other and when you actually go on a date, that by that point your expectation of who this person is will NEVER match the person that actually is sitting in front of you, because your expectations don’t account for nerves, for having had a bad day, for being shy at first impressions, and I could go on forever.

So as long as he has most of his teeth, and he didn’t lie about his height by more than three inches (the average number by which men increase their height online), and he showed up on time, and made you laugh a few times, can we agree that it was not a bad date?

Therefore, I make one plea to you if you come out of a date feeling meh but not blegh: SAY YES TO A SECOND DATE!

I mean honestly, a second date barely implies anything more than a first one does: there’s no written expectations about sex, labels, or even kissing! I mean when was the last time you went on two dates and started calling someone your boyfriend? When was the last time you went on two dates???

Two dates is still few enough to fade a guy out, and yet it’s a second opportunity for both of you to give and get a second, better, more you impression. It’s another weeknight with plans with someone who’s not your same 7 friends, and it is definitely NOT anything more than just a second date.

So to my dear ladies, text the guy, get another drink, so that you actually feel confident that you actually have zero interest in the guy, rather than unmet outlandish expectations that you’ve only ever seen on TV.

I’ll Never be Able to Quit You

6 May

by Stacie Smack

It was Saturday night (or I suppose, Sunday morning) and I was having a blast and on my way home with the man I’ve decided I like enough to continue dating. And then Chuck Bass texted. This is an unedited transcript, with some author’s notes.

CB: Where are you this fine evening?

… It’s been weeks. Weeks since you made me feel like a complete idiot after I threw myself at you and you let me get in a cab. I ignored it. And then.

CB: So. what, do you only respond to my daytime texts?

SS: From you, yes.

CB: Would it be juvenile to point out that it’s already dark, so I tricked you? I want to see you before I go

Yes Chuck, it is juvenile.

SS: Where are you off to this time?

CB: London, various other European locales, and Abu Dhabi*. Will you be around this coming weekend?

SS: How fun! Work or pleasure or both? And I’m not around…

CB: Both is always my MO. Fine then I’ll catch up to you the week after. Between you and me, I’m actually moving to Abu Dhabi. I won’t be coming back from this trip…

SS: Congratulations! You had mentioned that that was your goal! Are you so pumped? And we can definitely catch up. Just know you’re not getting any special sendoff. Unfortunately, I’m not in a position to do that.

That was my attempt at being supportive, friendly, and saying, look I’m dating someone exclusively and if I don’t tell you, I won’t restrain myself when I see you because for some odd reason, I can’t say no to you. 

CB: Hell yeah and I’m extremely pumped. What ever could you mean?

SS: I’m done taking my pants off for you…

CB: So wear a skirt.

CB: Jokes, but don’t act like that was just for me. That was for us. But, hey, that’s totally fair. I make no demands.

SS: Haha. Us is not a thing buddy. I threw myself at you for a year. It as time to draw a line.

CB: Touche. I was upfront about being a bad man from the beginning, at least. I recognize being involved with me is objectively not healthy. Maybe I’ll be different in 10 years. Who knows. It’s been an extremely eventful 2 years here. I spent so much time and energy just staying ahead of the constant, wild life changes.

SS: I know. You had a wild two years. I can’t even begin to imagine and I’m really happy that things turned around. I’m just done giving you a pass for it.

CB: Was I cruel to you?

SS: Cruel might be giving you too much credit. But let’s just say my friends don’t think of you very fondly. You drove me crazy and you never cared. And that’s fine. But you know, I needed a break.

CB: Your friends being OUR friends, eh? That would explain why they started acting distant eventually. I didn’t understand that at the time. For the record, I was/am painfully aware of how inadequate I can be emotionally. So I’d compensate with thunderous sexual performances. It’s a great long term strategy.

SS: Not those friends. My other friends. I actually am self aware enough to not taint OUR friends with my own experiences when it comes to you.

You created that distance all by yourself buddy. And thunderous sex? Honestly, it’s not even that big…

CB: Jesus… I don’t think I know them?

SS: My college friends?

CB: Oh I’ve met them. So when does your book come out?

He knows/thinks (depending if I get my shit together) that I’m writing a book. Also that was a POOR attempt at changing the subject, huh?

SS: Not yet. Still writing it. But don’t worry. There’s a page where I just chew you out. It’s glorious.

See link above.

CB: Ah I have to read it! I kind of perversely enjoy getting yelled at. For context, I’d just become single for the first time since I was 18. I didn’t know how to handle it, other than reverting to what I was like back in the day. Perhaps [our mutual friend] can attest… Not an excuse, just an explanation. These are all recent revelations.

SS: That’s why I didn’t push. I was aware of that. So I waited. And waited. And you know. Then moved on.

And that was the end. Maybe I left him speechless. Maybe he stopped caring. Either way I was lying. Obviously, I haven’t moved on. Obviously I mostly forgive everything. But please stop making me feel like you want me. Stop making me feel embarrassed and ashamed at myself when you don’t ask me to go home with you. I don’t want to wait 10 years. I don’t want you to be different. I just want you more often in my life. 

Call me when you’re back in town. Part of me will always be waiting for you.

Three words. Eight letters. Just say them and I’m yours. 

 

*Locations have been changed to I suppose protect this asshole of a man’s privacy.

Give The Dweeb A Chance

27 Mar

by Stacie Smack

Last week Betty shared her internal battle of dating because it makes sense on paper or not.

She failed to mention a couple of [essential] aspects of the battle: mainly that he may or may not be a dweeb.

Funnily enough, her ongoing struggle (once you account for the missing mentioned piece) is EERILY similar to my current situation. From reading her post, it might not be obvious, but from talking endlessly about it with her, I know.

I would say that D-Bag (my charming pet name for the man I’m dating) is not perfect on paper or marriage material. He’s a well-educated, employed male with left-leaning tendencies. I suppose he fits the basic criteria. However, to quote & paraphrase Betty:

1) His automatic response to getting somewhere after hours is PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION. Everyone knows that any proper DC Yuppie exclusively Ubers after 11pm.

2a) He PRIORITIZES SLEEP OVER SEX! This has happened more than once. ALL I WANT is some freaking morning sex but he like constantly freaks out that he like isn’t going to have enough sleep or whatever and keeps shutting me down! Who are you?

2b) When I made a gently sarcastic comment about the above, he jokes (unfunnily) “i need my beauty rest.” you are not beautiful.

3a) He wears really dweeby boxers. You’re an adult. Invest in underwear that is pleasant to see. Unless this is your way of encouraging me to take them off? But see 2a. No.

3b) Actually he dresses kinda dweeby overall.

4) Despite being generally kind of a “nice nerdy boy” type, he occasionally dips into the usage of kinda vulgar terms that just do NOT work for him. For example, his roommate wasn’t there and he looked into the living room and kinda casually thought OUT LOUD “oh, we missed a chance to fuck on the couch” – like EW STOP.

5) We were just lying in bed and he goes “tell me a story” (what?) and I was like ummm what about? and he was like “I dunno, about something really embarrassing that happened to you when you were a little kid.” Why would you want to hear that??? That’s the least sexy thing to talk about in bed ever.

I hope that this paints a better understanding of who these men are. These are not necessarily make-or-break issues. But they are just constant reminders that they’re just a little bit dweeby 100% of the time! So why don’t you just end it? If you’re so caught up in the dweebness and you’re annoyed with his presence, and you’d rather not have your friends meet him due to the possibility of them becoming aware of the dweebity of the man. I mean he doesn’t even own a pair of boat shoes.

There’s a catch. A slightly important catch that went severely unmentioned.

THE SEX. IS FANTASTIC.

Better and unlike anything experienced before. So you’d understand the hesitation when talking about ending things. Sometimes it’s hard to turn down multiple orgasms. Between having to go sexless while finding men to date and having a sure thing that’s also an AMAZING thing, I think the choice is clear right? Right?

There’s a second catch, that complicates things even more.

THE DWEEB LOVES YOU.

Ok, so maybe they haven’t literally used those words. But there are only like a billion signs that make this clear. They’re always willing to go to your place. They always text first. In fact, sometimes I won’t text on purpose, even if I have a free evening, only to see how long it takes him to say something. And that something will probably be dweeby (“Stayed up until 2am playing bananagrams on a weeknight 🙂 how was your day?”). But he will always text. He’ll change his plans to end up where you are because you’re not about to change your plans for him. He’ll come and meet you at a bar full of YOUR friends by himself, because he literally kisses the ground you walk on.

We spend so much time asking “where are all the nice guys in this city?” after yet another guy from Policy never calls you back. It’s kind of refreshing to date a guy who will reliably be there when you wake up on a Saturday morning.

So I’m giving the dweeb a chance. After two years of crazy hook ups, bad online dates, and being strung along by the love of my life (HA), I decided to take a break. It’s almost like a vacation from my preferred lifestyle. I’m temporarily hitting pause, and allowing DB to show me the wonders of monogamy (SOMEONE SAVE ME). Rather than staying up until 2am every other Saturday waiting for Chuck Bass to come over for two hours, I’m letting DB come over, do me, cuddle me, AND take me out to breakfast the next morning.

I haven’t really dated anyone ever for longer than a couple of months, and I’ve never really been exclusive, and I’m sick of sleeping with assholes. So, I’m letting a guy actually treat me nicely.

Because why do we have to put up with being treated like dirt?

1) Why do we silently comply with the guy that only calls us at 12:30am every third Saturday of the month who promises to get drinks and never does?

2) Why do we let the guy we dated for three months just stop texting without demanding an explanation or at least a formal “we’re done” conversation?

3) Why do we only find guys attractive if they ignore us at the bar, flirt with our friend, and manage to give back-handed compliments that still make us swoon?

4) Why is the guy wearing the sexy black David Beckham underwear always the one who never calls back?

So, here I am. And all I can say is:

GIVE THE DWEEB A CHANCE.

 

 

Review: Courthouse Movie Theater

5 Mar

Movies have taken over my life this past week.

I’ve watched everything ranging from Oscar winners (The Kids Are All Right) to sex-ness (anything with Channing Tatum’s shirt ripped partially open) even to something directed by Madonna (W./E.)… My knee surgery has put me in the midst of cinema bliss – armed with my extra strength tylenol and vicodin, I have pretty much burned holes in my eye sockets while eating cookie dough and stretching out on my couch.

However, I did manage to venture out of my apartment at one point… if only to watch another movie… with my Mom over the weekend. And I believe this place deserves a round of applause.

The AMC Courthouse Movie Theater. (YES it’s in Virginia. It’s 2 stops away from Foggy Bottom. Is it really that far…?)

Literally the best movie theater I have ever been to. Ever.

First of all, there’s the size of the individual theaters. They’re just right! They have achieved the perfect balance of home viewing and cinema with roughly 40 chairs in each room. There are no “bad seats” where you feel like your neck is straining to get a good view. And the rows are spread out enough that you aren’t bumping elbows with someone to reach for the twizzlers to your right.

But let’s get to the real belle of the ball here… THE SEATS. They are, by far, the best movie theater seats in DC. Wonderfully leather, soft and relaxing… and they RECLINE! Just push a little button below your cup holder  and the chair begins to lean back as the legs begin to rise. For someone who has her leg in an immovable knee brace, this was simply heavenly. Also, you can bring your own blankets and pillows to achieve maximum movie perfection!

The range of movies may not be quite as large as some of the bigger movie theaters in DC, but it covers most of your blockbusters. And price-wise, it’s what I like to call movie theater-reasonable. I prefer the matinees because they’re a few bucks cheaper, and I can still indulge on my nightly weekend activities afterwards.

But seriously… it’s the seats. That’s what makes this place worth going back to. It’s like paying to snuggle… by yourself… while watching a movie… which you could do on your couch… for free… without pants.


Umm…

Well, you get my drift.

Belle

Excuse Me… What?

4 Mar

I think I’ve written about it before, but to refresh your memory: I, Stacie Smack, am dating a man [mostly] monogamously. And no, his name is not Chuck Bass. It’s been an interesting process, the whole having someone still in your apartment after 7am on any given day.

One thing I’ve been less than successful at is figuring out when, why, and how to incorporate him into group activities, such as a happy hour or a Saturday night at the Brixton. My current MO is to just have him show up places without giving my friends advance notice. In theory, it makes sense. In practice, not the most successful strategy.

This is all a whole bunch of lead up to something only marginally related. By now, several of my friends have met him and interacted with him, if at all briefly. I was pretty nervous of all of this happening because I live in fear of people judging my choices (of people judging the guy I’ve allowed to keep me from sleeping with other men). Generally speaking, the interactions were fine. Except for a tiny point:

“He’s SO not your type!”

That is what some of my friends choose to tell me every time the topic comes up. They say it with smiles plastered on, but I can’t help but be offended at the comments. What does it mean? Who fits your expectation of the type of man that Stacie dates? Why is he not my type? Why do you think that’s an appropriate thing to say to someone who obviously has insecurity issues when it comes to men?

So please, don’t describe people that way. It’s really not helping anyone. It only heightens the insecurity I feel. It’s judgmental and not helpful. It comes off as condescending, and can you really not come up with anything better to say? Because it’s not even honest. I’d prefer you tell me that you don’t like him, or that he’s rude or that he’s too pushy rather than tell me that he’s not my type…

I see it as one of two things. One, he doesn’t meet the expectations that I’ve set for the men I date. Meaning he’s not a 6’2” UVA graduate that works in finance. He stands below the expectations. The alternative, two, is that he exceeds your expectations. In which case why don’t you say that? Why don’t you say that he is so much better than other guys I’ve dated? That he seems like a good guy? What’s that you say?

“He’s quite likable”

Thanks, pal.

After the Fade Away

18 Feb

by Stacie Smack

Some friends and I were recently enjoying some delish food at Ted’s Bulletin on 14. In the midst of my enjoyment, I noticed that seating at the bar directly in my line of vision was a guy I briefly dated last summer, Jason, having dinner with a [male] friend. As soon as I noticed, I started uncontrollably laughing, I tried to hide under the table, and my friends proceeded to discretely turn around [in a very obvious way] to look at him. Similarly, Jason’s friend did a little 360 head spin that lingered too long in my direction. I am confident that it was evident that we were both aware of each other’s presence.

The back story:
We met at Policy not by sucking on each other’s faces. We went on a couple dates before he tried to kiss me – amateur move. He seemed interested and interesting enough – we went on some dates, had some sleepovers, and texted every once in a while. I went abroad for a week, came back, and after some pleasantries about my trip, he blew me off a week later with the classic “I’m really busy and my sister is staying with me” excuse. My response (in classic Stacie fashion) was “well good luck. You know where to find me ;)”, followed by a contact deletion. I never heard from him again. It was a classic case of The Fade Away*.

There’s enough on the topic to know that this is just a way of saying “I’m just not that into you”, but I was still left wondering, in this situation if perhaps I should have gone up to say hi? Or if he should have come over to say hi? I didn’t want to say hi, because my strongest emotion upon seeing him was anger and sadness from feeling rejected. He probably didn’t want to say hi, because we all know that the first thing we think when someone fades us out is that they probably had to go into witness protection and that’s why they stopped texting us. This leads to the question of the post fade away spontaneous run-in: for whom is it more awkward after a fade away? The one who did the fading? Or the one who got faded?

The one who did the fading –
My first instinct is that the one who does the fading has all the power. He/she is the one who gets to make the shot “I’m not interested” under the assumption that the other involved party probably is interested. Power overcomes awkward – Jason should feel good that here’s this girl that HE got to dump.
But upon further over analyzing, it’s perhaps incredibly awkward for him. I mean he now has to face the fact that he can’t go on pretending that I think he moved to Iowa, or that he got hit by a bus. Now, he has to come up with actual believable non-awkward excuses for why he never texted back, “I was really busy” for the last 6 months would not cut it.

The one who gets faded-
As implied above, I felt extremely awkward. I felt powerless. I didn’t have a good explanation as to why he stopped calling, and so the default (as it is with A LOT of women, don’t lie to yourself) is to focus on my insecurities and blame every single one of the things I’ve decided is “wrong” with me. I felt awkward because the first thing I thought he thought when he saw me was “oh there’s that girl, still looking/acting/being the same exact way she was when I decided to end things”.
But, let’s be real. That was probably not his first thought. He probably also turned beet red and felt awkward! Because, here was this perfectly fine girl who he never called again. He hopefully realized that he came off as a coward who was too afraid to tell a girl it’s over so instead went for the disappearing act, not thinking that [YUPie NW + gentrified NE] DC is actually small, and the chances of running into someone you’ve met are pretty high.

Honestly, I’m pretty sure it’s awkward for both people, unless you’re a fairly confident person, in which case very few things are awkward for you. I would like to think that when I become a grown-up, I’ll be able to say hi to people I’ve dated regardless of how things ended. Maybe. Or, I’ll continue to giggle, twirl my hair, fix my make-up and completely ignore him, while trying to make him regret all decisions that led to him never calling me again. Maturity.

If nothing else, listen to my favorite singers and nod your head in agreement:

*Also called sometimes the Fade Out and I’m sure like a trillion other things.

It’s Goin’ Down, Just Got a Tinder!

31 Jan

Lies, I’ve had tinder forever.  Also SR’s interpretation of our blackout song de jour, Timber.

Today, I’ve got literally nothing for ya.

Here is a hilarious video about 2 of my favorite things: Tinder and Disney Princesses.

Enjoy! xx

Not Tonight or Not Ever?

28 Jan

By now it’s evident that I have strong thoughts about sex and the role it plays in relationships. I can’t speak confidently on the role of sex as part of the fem-lib movement or other similar movements, as I don’t want to speak with such a lack of education (book recs being accepted though!). But we’re more liberal about sex, we’re more adventurous and carefree. I don’t intend to comment on the sanctity of sex (as I don’t particularly feel strongly about it) but it should be noted that the socially accepted norm has shifted from waiting until marriage to the three date rule.

Anyways, the point of this preamble is to discuss a very important topic that relates to us. Us who? We’re in our 20s, living in an urban environment with active social lives and even more active professional lives. We are probably dating and not thinking about moving in with someone, yet.

My friend Mackenzie has been dating this guy, James, for a few months now. She’s introduced him to her friends and is attempting to incorporate him into our bigger social circle. They live within the district, not too far away from each other and both work really hard. I asked her how often they see each other. She says they spend on average three nights together a week.

They haven’t had sex in a couple of weeks. He’s just too tired, she got back too late, they fell asleep watching a movie. There are plenty of reasons. And I get it; sexual drive is certainly not constant across individuals. But what happens when there’s ZERO desire to just get on top of someone and fool around, given that precedent was set differently? There’s a dynamic shift in the relationship.

I guess the thought is that there are a couple of primary components to the relationship I’m stereotyping: the friendship and the romance (by the way google defines romance as “a feeling of excitement and mystery associated with love” – I’ll be ignoring the definition of love at this point). Traditionally, we look (though perhaps without realizing it) for a friend in a partner but who makes us excited “in the biblical sense” or whatever. These components are not always or usually balanced: one will dominate the other. Personally, I let the romantic component play the primary role, and usually don’t let the friendship ever develop.

Like my friend Mackenzie, I’ve now been seeing a guy for a few months. I’ve kept him much more in the fringe of my social circle than Mackenzie did with James, mostly because I don’t know how to incorporate the two, but also because I am not particularly keen on the idea of him being everywhere my friends and I are.

I’ve started to notice that a couple of times, I’ve thought consciously “ugh” when making sleepover plans. I have a theory. Because of the time we’ve been spending together and because we’ve been getting to know each other better, the friendship component is starting to develop and compete with the romantic component. It’s also becoming apparent that if we were just friends, we wouldn’t be friends.

But I refuse to have a sexless sleepover. One: because I like sex. But two: because it keeps the sex from taking a backseat to friendship. I mean, in the end, the sex is still good, once we get around to it. I like to think that I have fabulous, strong, lasting relationships with my friends and therefore, I don’t want or need another friend. I want a lover that can provide what my friends can’t: intimacy, romance, and sex.

And so, as long as I have my 20-something stamina and my family pack of rubbers, I’ll be making it work every. single. time. Because if I’m going to end up with another friendship and occasional sex, I’d rather not have to also share a bed with that person.

Cold-hearted? Yes. Do I care? No.