Tag Archives: break ups

State of the Stacie (and her Love Life)

8 Jul

Interesting (to me) things are happening in Stacie’s mind right now.

As I may have mentioned before, after 1.5 years of “meeting” as many high caliber DC men as possible on a weekly basis and one dragged out casual-hook-up-turned-obsession, I decided to give the whole exclusive thing a try.

Eight months later, I’m still kind of digging it. As the SR ladies know, I’ve had crazy fluctuating feelings about it, from tears worried that he wanted to dump me to moments of anger wishing I could dump the dweeb. Super stable, obvi. But lately, I’ve started getting more into it, wishing he was in my bed more often, not wanting to leave his place on Sunday, well you get the idea.

Just based on the last few weeks, I have a sense that he wants to tell me he loves me. Maybe I think too much of myself, but I don’t think that’s what it is. The fact that my reaction to this feeling is that I’m worried has made me ask myself a lot of new questions that I didn’t expect. And because this blog is just an exercise in self-indulgence, I will share my thoughts and questions.

I don’t think I can say it back. Honestly, I don’t know if I do or don’t. There are things about him that I like a lot. There are things about him that I can’t stand. Ultimately, I know he’s not someone I “want to end up with”.

And what baffles me is that I hate saying that. I hate the tendency that relationships have to be framed in that context. Why does it have to be about ending up with someone? Why can’t we just date and hang out now in the present and really like each other until we don’t anymore? Well, because maybe he’s 27 and that’s equally as close to 24 as it is to 30 and his friends are starting to move in with their significant others, and because I hear so many stories about people who “wasted three years” dating someone.

I don’t think it’s wasting time if you’re dating someone who you don’t intend to marry. I mean, I don’t think most people decide who to date exclusively based on marriage potential, do they? I don’t even want to get married, so does that mean that I shouldn’t date? Obviously not. Hopefully. But what if he does? What if he’s like so many other guys I know that strangely like to break up with girls by saying “I just can’t see myself being married to you”. Am I being mean to him by making him think that this is the “real thing” or whatever when that’s not at all where I stand?

Perhaps, the solution to this problem is actually talking. If we each bring up our feelings and wants and needs in life, all of these questions could be answered right? But let me remind you that I am the girl that when asked how he could introduce me to his friends I responded with “your pimp, number 1 slam piece, or madame of the night”. And then we literally never talked about it again. So as you can see, the likelihood of us having an honest conversation about things is not something I see in the horizon, unless I’m wasted.

And maybe, my inability to talk about things sheds some more light on the situation. Shouldn’t I feel comfortable and able to talk about things with the guy I’ve been seeing for eight months exclusively? Honestly, I don’t think I ever will. I’m not someone who who likes talking with anyone! Imagine having to talk about feelings with the guy that I let “pound me so hard” on a weekly basis.

Am I going to look like an asshole if I can’t say I love you back?

Is it dragging him along if I know I don’t want to date him forever? Despite the fact that I do legitimately like him and I am really enjoying being with him?

For now, I’m just relishing how good things are going. I’m letting him treat me like no guy has ever treated me before. I’m letting him show me things he likes, I’m taking him out to eat to places that I enjoy, I’m loving the sex, and I’m giving into spending an entire Sunday wearing his shirt, watching Game of Thrones, and eating chinese food, without stepping foot outside. And it is good.

So maybe you got a boyfriend… But do you know what you lost?

29 Apr

by Stacie Smack

Hello. I’m apparently back from a three week bender (also known as laziness and writer’s block). But let me tell you some things. There’s nothing better than eavesdropping on other 20-somethings’ conversations and then disagreeing or mocking everything they say while formulating what are obviously better and more correct opinions. But sometimes, they actually don’t say totally ridiculous things.

I was on a train on my way from one European city to another, and two very loud Americans were discussing their sex lives at a decibel that was perfectly audible two rows behind them (and that only Americans can publicly achieve).

“I guess you kind of have to decide what you want with the person because when you gain a lover, you’re simultaneously losing a friend.”

Deep, amirite???

No but really, think about it –

Yes, I suppose in your world of butterflies and fairytales and cakes that taste good but have zero calories, your boyfriend can be a lover AND a friend, but let’s be real, he will never fill the role of casual friend (yo, let’s grab a beer bro, watch the game or whatever) or Y-chromosome know-it all to explain men for you. The second you let him unhook your bra and see your three-week old brazilian wax, the friendship is toast. And I don’t mean “morning-after, you woke up in his bed” toast, honey.

Usually, the chances that you’ll stay friends with an ex are very, very slim by the way. I mean let’s be real, if you’re lucky you’ve shared all those “feelings” and “emotions” and whatever else you crazy kids are calling them these days. You’ve stopped confiding in your REAL friends and instead give him the weekly blow job that you feel like you owe him after he kindly listened to you whine for three hours (side note: you don’t owe him a blow job gurl, it’s YO life). Anyways, I digress. You’ll have wasted all those hours building some sort of emotional connection, and then he’ll leave you for Candy (the latest startup in San Fran, obvi. No one would ever cheat on you!). And then you’ll try to be friends still because, well, you need to talk about your coworker who’s still being a total ass until you realize that it’s impossible because he can’t just cup your ass in that comforting way he did so well while frenching you like there’s no tomorrow.

And don’t forget about the collateral damage! When things inevitably end (sorry, I meant to say of course they won’t because have you seen how amazing you are? but for some of us who are not as lucky as you), his friends which you’ve grown to like so much (dare I say… love?) and basically see more than you see your actual friends will disappear with him. POOF! They’re gone because when it comes to picking sides, he was there first. Even if you were best. Perhaps the best advice I can give you when deciding if a relationship with him is worth it, is to spend some quality time stalking his friends via all possible social media means to form solid ill-conceived believable judgements of people you’ve never met but who could just be like your BFF4E. If they seem awesome, do not sleep with him! I repeat do not sleep with him.

You’re welcome. Please mention how life changing I was to your life when talking to commoners who haven’t yet achieved emotional nirvana.

Watching You Move On

7 Jan

by Stacie Smack

My (mostly) eternal Bachelorette status means that I’ve had the chance to experience dozens upon dozens of break-ups among my friends. I’ve also seem them begin relationships, and exist during them. The more I observe, the more confused I become. Let me give you an example:

I have this friend, Jenna. She falls in a category on the opposite end of the spectrum as singledom. In the six years that I have known her, she has spent very few days single. Anyways, she was dating this guy Mark in college; he was a year younger, she was a senior, and it was as most college relationships were (at least in small liberal arts schools). They spent most of their time together, basically alternating which dorm room to sleep in each night of the week. She went out less. She started hanging out with his friends more than her friends. The usual.

After graduation, they stayed together. He was still in school and she was here in DC. I always thought he liked her more than she liked him. But then, at some point around the holidays, Mark broke up with her. She had debated quitting her job to move to where he was. And then, he broke up with her. She was truly devastated, and two weeks later she was dating some guy named Daniel (they lasted about six months).

Jenna (who’s now on her third relationship since we moved out here about a year and a half ago) jokes about it all the time. She is proud of the fact that she moves on quickly. And I don’t blame her! I can only imagine what it feels like to end a relationship, and I am sure that I would want to stop feeling those feelings AS QUICKLY as possible.

The thing is, Jenna is FAR from the exception. I’d say most of my friends exhibit this behavioral pattern. And I don’t ask questions because I am a friend and it would be rude, but… where do I start?

1. Why invest so much time and effort for something that can be over so quickly?

I’ve never been in a relationship. In great part, this is by construction. I don’t understand how to “share myself” or whatever with some other person, when at any second either of us could cheat, or move, or just get bored and want out. They must see/feel something that makes it worth it and I would love to know what that is.

2. How do you “give yourself” with such facility?

I mean, honestly, these girls are already referring to guys as their boyfriends just WEEKS into the relationships, which also generally start just days after a breakup. I suppose that I find it interesting that despite experiencing so many hurt feelings and such sadness, they are still willing to throw themselves into commitment over and over again. I mean, Jenna is talking about moving to wherever her current boyfriend ends up next summer.

3. What makes you think he’s different?

This is not sarcastic. This is a legitimate question. Do you even ask yourself that question? I mean you must see something different and better in this new guy you are calling your boyfriend right? I literally have become so diluted that I fail to see that any guy can be a “good guy” anymore. Teach me how to believe that not every man is a walking penis with only one goal in mind. Teach me how to believe that THIS TIME, it will last.

4. Is it just him?

I mean, we (or really you) cycle through guys hoping that the next one will stick around forever. However, I am convinced personally that a lot of my failures are a combination of meeting total dickwads but also because I am still not emotionally ready for a long-term relationship. Do you ever wonder if maybe you should also look at yourself after a relationship is over? I’m not trying to gaslight anyone here. I just am very, very aware that it takes two to tango. And as many flaws as he may have had and as much as he needs some relationship coaching, you probably need to get some self-awareness too.

5. How do you put all that time behind you?

Whether it was a six month relationship, or a three year one. Maybe I should think about it in Economics terms, that time has passed and it’s a sunk cost. But is that really how you think of it? In a few days, you can let go of time so easily. I know that often times, an individual begins the process of ending a relationship before the actual break up, which helps with making everything easier. But even so. I’m amazed at your ability to let go of a year of your life that you had dedicated to one man only, letting other people fall of by the waist side – you no longer talk about things that happened during that year.

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This comes off as a rant more than an attempt to ask legitimate questions. But my intention was for it to be the latter. Most of these questions began when after thirty years of marriage, my dad called it quits. A year later my mom met a man, and they have been dating for the last three and a half years. I have never experienced such devastation; seeing her after he left is something that I would hope no else I love ever experiences. But while I still try to move on and accept the fact that my mom and dad are no longer, she’s been able to fall in love all over again. The woman I saw crying on the bathroom floor and the woman I see now when I go home would not recognize each other.

How did she do it? How did you do it?

Gratuitous BC gif that makes everything better