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KARDASHIAN KONVERSATION

17 Jul

Since productivity in the workplace is rarely super high on our list of things to do on a Thursday, Anne and Belle decided to have an entire conversation using only Kardashian Gifs. Did it make sense? Not really… Was it totally worth the 4 hours spent doing it? Absolutely.

In reality, we could actually see all of those gifs playing out in one long, real life, Kardashian Konversation… and no one would be surprised.

Opening Question: Do you have any men you need found on the internet? 

 

image

keeping-up-with-the-jenners:</p><br />
<p>1/10 fav Kim kardashian quotes<br /><br />
No, Mason… THANK YOU, and the rest of your self-destructive and ever gif-worthy family for continuously providing the world with reasons to believe that if nothing else, at least you aren’t them.
XOXOXO,
Anne & Belle

 

State of the Stacie (and her Love Life)

8 Jul

Interesting (to me) things are happening in Stacie’s mind right now.

As I may have mentioned before, after 1.5 years of “meeting” as many high caliber DC men as possible on a weekly basis and one dragged out casual-hook-up-turned-obsession, I decided to give the whole exclusive thing a try.

Eight months later, I’m still kind of digging it. As the SR ladies know, I’ve had crazy fluctuating feelings about it, from tears worried that he wanted to dump me to moments of anger wishing I could dump the dweeb. Super stable, obvi. But lately, I’ve started getting more into it, wishing he was in my bed more often, not wanting to leave his place on Sunday, well you get the idea.

Just based on the last few weeks, I have a sense that he wants to tell me he loves me. Maybe I think too much of myself, but I don’t think that’s what it is. The fact that my reaction to this feeling is that I’m worried has made me ask myself a lot of new questions that I didn’t expect. And because this blog is just an exercise in self-indulgence, I will share my thoughts and questions.

I don’t think I can say it back. Honestly, I don’t know if I do or don’t. There are things about him that I like a lot. There are things about him that I can’t stand. Ultimately, I know he’s not someone I “want to end up with”.

And what baffles me is that I hate saying that. I hate the tendency that relationships have to be framed in that context. Why does it have to be about ending up with someone? Why can’t we just date and hang out now in the present and really like each other until we don’t anymore? Well, because maybe he’s 27 and that’s equally as close to 24 as it is to 30 and his friends are starting to move in with their significant others, and because I hear so many stories about people who “wasted three years” dating someone.

I don’t think it’s wasting time if you’re dating someone who you don’t intend to marry. I mean, I don’t think most people decide who to date exclusively based on marriage potential, do they? I don’t even want to get married, so does that mean that I shouldn’t date? Obviously not. Hopefully. But what if he does? What if he’s like so many other guys I know that strangely like to break up with girls by saying “I just can’t see myself being married to you”. Am I being mean to him by making him think that this is the “real thing” or whatever when that’s not at all where I stand?

Perhaps, the solution to this problem is actually talking. If we each bring up our feelings and wants and needs in life, all of these questions could be answered right? But let me remind you that I am the girl that when asked how he could introduce me to his friends I responded with “your pimp, number 1 slam piece, or madame of the night”. And then we literally never talked about it again. So as you can see, the likelihood of us having an honest conversation about things is not something I see in the horizon, unless I’m wasted.

And maybe, my inability to talk about things sheds some more light on the situation. Shouldn’t I feel comfortable and able to talk about things with the guy I’ve been seeing for eight months exclusively? Honestly, I don’t think I ever will. I’m not someone who who likes talking with anyone! Imagine having to talk about feelings with the guy that I let “pound me so hard” on a weekly basis.

Am I going to look like an asshole if I can’t say I love you back?

Is it dragging him along if I know I don’t want to date him forever? Despite the fact that I do legitimately like him and I am really enjoying being with him?

For now, I’m just relishing how good things are going. I’m letting him treat me like no guy has ever treated me before. I’m letting him show me things he likes, I’m taking him out to eat to places that I enjoy, I’m loving the sex, and I’m giving into spending an entire Sunday wearing his shirt, watching Game of Thrones, and eating chinese food, without stepping foot outside. And it is good.

An Unusual Double Standard

1 Jul

“Ugh, he just loves me SO much. I can’t even”, I say to my friend Meghan for the third time in our 45-minute long daily phone conversation, which in case you were wondering covers anything from relationship to metabolism statuses.

Yes, I am annoyed that this man is being too available, giving me too much attention, and treating me too well. I can’t really understand it… I obviously am sick of being treated like dirt, over and over again. Shouldn’t I welcome this change?

I haven’t yet figured out what’s going on, but a long time ago, Betty and I drew an interesting parallel that we’ve observed in our statistically significant sample (ie. our 20 friends).

Being easy.

Every woman reading this right now can probably accurately define being easy as a woman. And though we probably don’t call men easy, we can probably think of at least one guy who is. What do I mean by this?

A woman is easy when… she sleeps with a guy on the first date.

A man is easy when… he texts immediately after a date telling you he had a good time.

A woman is easy when… she goes home with a dude from a bar.

A man is easy when… he is willing to rearrange his schedule to go on a date with you.

A woman is easy when… she’s willing to be a 2am booty-call.

A man is easy when… he tells you he likes you.

A woman is easy when… a guy can kick her out of her apartment at 4am and she does leave.

A man is easy when… he just wants to cuddle you when you show up at his place drunk at 2am.

Obviously these are outrageous generalizations (and really weird ones). But you get the idea… So many of us get turned off by guys who are willing to put forth their emotions and actually show interest in us. I don’t mean the clinger who thinks that two dates makes you his boyfriend. I mean the guy who’s always willing to sleepover at your place, without ever asking you to go over. The guy who buys you a thoughtful christmas present, even though you got him nothing. The guy who’s willing to drive you home on the weekend, so that you don’t have to wait for the metro.

I spend a lot of time being angry about the fact that having a very active sex life played by my own rules categorizes me as “slutty”, “easy” and “undateable”. And yet, I am a huge hypocrite who judges guys negatively for not insulting me at a bar, or not wanting to go home with me from the bar but rather just wanting my number. We need to stop doing both things. A guy is not referred to as neither slutty or easy when he behaves like I do. Let’s stop calling women that! And a woman is not undateable when she gets a guy a thoughtful gift or keeps his favorite beer in her fridge.

Why should men then be undateable when they are emotionally available?

Why should women be undateable when they manage their sex lives how they want to?

I’m not saying that we need to start a movement to defend men, BY ANY MEANS. Those little shits definitely don’t need our help in life, amirite? But I guess I do think it’s an interesting dichotomy in the blogiterature of dating and relationships, and such.

Dear Stale Bagels, Where is thy HEAT?

18 Jun

I’m done with online dating.**

After what I’d like to think of as an absurd amount of just okay first dates, almost all of which originating from some kind of online dating app, I might be throwing in the towel. I am in the process of adhering to Stacie’s advice about accepting a second date, because I believe her logic is sound. However, I think as a whole, this online dating thing is just not for me.

Initially the idea of going on lots of dates each week was incredibly appealing.

Coming from someone who has spent 85% of my last 6 years of life in a relationship, I relished the notion of having new conversations with different guys, the anxious butterfly feeling when meeting them for the first time, the opportunity to experience something brand new and not know what to expect! But, and I know this goes without saying, dating in DC is hard.

Most of the months that followed the demise of my 5 year relationship involved a total disregard of typical dating. I just wasn’t interested. I was cool with meeting dudes at bars, semi-poor life decisions, and whatever, but I wasn’t ready to hop on the dating bandwagon quite yet. That’s when my friends discovered Coffee Meets Bagel, Tinder, Hinge, etc. And I figured #WHYNOT.

My past relationships usually spurned from friendship, or at least mutual activities. Unlike Blind Bagel dates, there was no need to discuss topics like where I’m from, what college he went to, or what we do in our spare time. Conversation flowed easily, and pauses never felt awkward. Why? Because I had already invested in this person. The spark was already there. With online dating, all you have is the hope that something in the initial 45 minutes of conversation will capture your attention enough to stick around for another round of drinks. But more times than not, all I really felt like doing after my first beer was crawling into bed with my iPad and cottage cheese to watch more netflix. That would be 800 times more enjoyable than hearing about their desire to live a more active lifestyle

These guys that I go on dates with aren’t bad (well, most of them aren’t). They’re intelligent, well-traveled, have more or less interesting and stable jobs, and I’m sure have excellent futures ahead of them. So why is it that last night I left a quite attractive and well-spoken date after one drink in a bar because I’d rather watch Inside Combat Rescue with my friend and his dog? I DO NOT KNOW. Other than the fact that there was once again, there was zero spark.

As our wise Betty once said to me, “I think online dating has made it so much about trying out the different guys as if they were dresses and trying to fit them into the right boxes that we forget there IS such thing as an immediate spark.” Personally, I would rather find a guy in a bar who I felt immediate chemistry with, rather than pray that it magically appears while I spill Korean BBQ tacos on my skirt with them at dinner. I’d rather go on a date with someone I already know who I have shared interests with and can talk to, than click “Like” on another sexy 6’3 Jewish man on CMB. The idea of meeting a stranger is exciting – but only until you actually meet them. (Side note, I will always support the sheer entertainment of tinder.) But it doesn’t seem like it’s for me. The question is, will I stop?

The answer, dear readers, is likely a resounding no.

I’ll continue to swipe right, click like, make small talk, and venture on to many more Just Fine dates in the following weeks. Why (besides the fact that I’m getting a ridiculous amount of free food)? Because I’m desperate to think that one time, it’s going to be different. Maybe this guy who talked about making Baklava with his mom will be sweet. Maybe this guy who travels to Europe 4 times a year will be interesting. Maybe this guy with the picture of him playing a piano means he appreciates the same things that I do. Maybe, Maybe, Maybe. I’m sure we all know the outcome of this already. But it doesn’t mean I’m going to heed my own advice from my own article.

Thus, I jump back into the never-ending cycle of just fine dates that, if nothing else, result in great brunching topics of conversation. I have yet to find a spark of heat in a single one of them. But who knows… Maybe someday my bagels won’t be stale. Or not.

B.

(**I am not done with online dating.)

 

The Just Fine First Date Conversation Guide

12 Jun

Well, it’s official: Betty’s no longer an online dating virgin. I went on a date last week via Coffee Meets Bagel, a Stacie-endorsed online dating app, and I survived. Go me.

The date itself was okay. Really, there was nothing wrong with it – the guy looked like he did in his profile, he had all his teeth, he had a job, and conversation flowed fine.

But if I’ve learned anything from the professional schmoozers that run this city, it’s that making conversation isn’t that high of a bar. Indeed, anyone can make conversation in #thistown. It doesn’t mean there’s a spark, and it doesn’t mean the date was a home run.

In fact, it feels like conversation on these just-fine-but-that’s-it dates is sadly predictable. And if you’re not into it, it’s really easy to just converse at the lowest acceptable level – even if you’re the best of conversationalists. If your date is just fine and neither of you give a fuck, here’s what you’ll almost definitely talk about:

Whether you’ve been here before. It’s a great harmless opener. You look around appreciatively. “I’ve never been here before but my friend Jim loves it! Great suggestion!” [Alternative: “Oh wow I’ve only ever been here for brunch! I’m so excited to try it!]

How you got here. This is also another safe conversation starter. I am guilty of employing it as an awkward way to ease into the conversation. It’s literally the most boring thing you could bring up so no wonder I’m single.

Token metro complaint. 

You waited TWELVE MINUTES for the red line???

Where you live. This will allow you to make all of the conversation about your favorite bars and restaurants in that area, your coworker who lives there and you went to a party there once, on and on. The sky’s the limit. Just don’t make a face when you find out it’s Gaithersburg. Or do.

How you got here. Nope, not a repeat of above. I mean how you got to DC. How you made it big in #thistown, if you will. Note that you’ve gotten this far with only purely surface conversations. I bet you’re halfway done with your beer by now! You almost get to leave!

What you do. I mean obviously because #DC, but actually I have a lot of respect for people who don’t ask about this in the first five minutes. My recent date was one of those people, so props to him – although that was admittedly preempted by the fact that Coffee Meets Bagel profiles include your employer because they know that we’re all job snobs. Sigh.

College. Now I realize why no one shuts the fuck up about college. It’s because a) it’s the last time any of us was interesting and b) (relatedly) it’s the perfect safe conversation topic. You went to college? Oh thank god me too. Tell me about it! Tell me about your late night food adventures and all nighters in the library and your spring break trip. I’ll just listen. It’s easier that way. Keep talking!

Do we have to talk about it?

Running and/or fitness. Seriously, fuck this town for being so fucking fit and making me feel like I always need to be on an intense fitness regime or at least planning on starting one. The upside of that is that your date probably feels the same way so you can probably find some common ground talking about how you really want to run a half marathon but you just weren’t sure if you could do it and then sigh your knee got fucked up. NO WAY! ME TOO! [Side note: my Coffee Meets Bagel date was totally intense and was modestly talking about 50 mile runs or some shit. GOOD. BYE.]

 

There you have it. I hope to God at least one of those generated some conversational detours along the way, but I guarantee you you hit most or all of those between gulps of G&T as you attempt to figure out if you can see yourself ever sharing your life – or at least your bed – with this person.

DISCLAIMER: I am not advocating that these are things that should be discussed on a date. What I have provided is a literal recipe for a mediocre date. WE CAN DO BETTER! On the best first date I can recall, we talked about everything from celebrity crushes to favorite Mexican restaurants to stupid movies we liked. Be the change you wish to see in your dates, ladies. But just know that they can’t all be winners. And remember that at the end of even the most boring date, you always – always! – get to go home.

 

 

 

Say Yes to the… Second Date!

3 Jun

by Stacie Smack

Summer is back in full force in DC, which (as we’ve mentioned before) means that the SR ladies are on a mission to go on as many dates as possible. Belle is leaving us all in the dust, having already gone on 4 or 5 first dates. The stories will eventually end up immortalized here because they are too good to be forgotten, yet they are not mine to tell, so you’ll have to wait a little longer.

Most of these dates happen due to the existence of a thousand and half dating apps. Aside from Tinder, the SR ladies have (finally!) gotten into CMB (Coffee Meets Bagel), a personal favorite of yours truly. Despite my lack of success stories, I know several individuals who’ve had ranging levels of success on the site, and I think we can have them too.

The thing is that with any dating site, you’re going to get a varied range of first dates and I promise you only 1 out of 5 will actually be mildly successful. Dating is hard. People misrepresent themselves online (LIE) to give a better first impression. What you think will make you compatible may not actually mean that you’ll be able to talk for three hours.

Dating is hard.

However, after hearing the date recaps from several ladies, I couldn’t help but wonder, are you giving the guy a chance?

I mean I totally get it, if the guy is missing his four front teeth and failed to mention that, and he also doesn’t directly look at you in the eyes for the entirety of your lunch date, well then maybe you’re not being too picky. Bad dates happen all the time.

But when I hear my friends say things like “there was no spark” or “he drank less than I did” or “there were some awkward silences”, I want to yell at them so loudly, because ladies, let’s be real. IT WAS JUST A FREAKING FIRST DATE!

Here are the facts: he was nervous too, online dating is awkward so there will be silences! Honestly, there probably wouldn’t be a spark either with the guy at the bar if you hadn’t been 3 fireball shots in already. He’s someone you know NOTHING about, so maybe he drinks less and you didn’t know that. Or maybe he is more focused on getting to know you than pounding down G&Ts.

I just think that there is so much time between when you first find out about each other and when you actually go on a date, that by that point your expectation of who this person is will NEVER match the person that actually is sitting in front of you, because your expectations don’t account for nerves, for having had a bad day, for being shy at first impressions, and I could go on forever.

So as long as he has most of his teeth, and he didn’t lie about his height by more than three inches (the average number by which men increase their height online), and he showed up on time, and made you laugh a few times, can we agree that it was not a bad date?

Therefore, I make one plea to you if you come out of a date feeling meh but not blegh: SAY YES TO A SECOND DATE!

I mean honestly, a second date barely implies anything more than a first one does: there’s no written expectations about sex, labels, or even kissing! I mean when was the last time you went on two dates and started calling someone your boyfriend? When was the last time you went on two dates???

Two dates is still few enough to fade a guy out, and yet it’s a second opportunity for both of you to give and get a second, better, more you impression. It’s another weeknight with plans with someone who’s not your same 7 friends, and it is definitely NOT anything more than just a second date.

So to my dear ladies, text the guy, get another drink, so that you actually feel confident that you actually have zero interest in the guy, rather than unmet outlandish expectations that you’ve only ever seen on TV.

So… This is a Date?

7 May

I went on a date last night. Except I didn’t realize it was going to be a date.

A friend of mine (*note, Friend) just came back from being out of the country for a year for work. I only knew him briefly before he left, as I had just moved to DC myself. While he was gone, we talked via email and facebook every once in a while and, considering how little time we physically spent together, know quite a bit about the other person now.

Although I always suspected maybe a little bit more than friendship coming from his end, I figured it wasn’t a big deal. It is certainly not uncommon for a guy to have brief moments of “more-than-friendship” feelings towards a girl friend. The solution to this predicament, I’ve found, is being more careful. You don’t want to be considered a “tease” by leading anyone on, but sometimes it’s difficult defining the difference between flirting, and just being friendly. Call it a personality flaw…

But this makes me really mad. I hate worrying that I smile too much around a guy friend, or I touch his arm inappropriately, or I crack one too many jokes in his presence… That’s not me trying to get into my his pants… that’s just me hanging out and having a good time! And I hate feeling like I have to tone-down my normal reactions just because I’m around someone with a penis, just so he doesn’t get the wrong idea.

I unknowingly went on a date last night. “Derek” is a great kid. He’s sweet, intelligent, cute, has a great job, and I actually enjoy talking to him. Although I realize those are the defining features of a guy who I actually would like to date, he is my friend. And I’m still hung up on my ex. And have zero goals in life to start a new relationship which will only end up destroying a friendship.

Derek asked if I wanted to grab dinner at some sushi place. DUH. Of course I want to. I want to hear about his trip and gorge myself in rice and raw fish. But how does that constitute a date? However, he insisted on paying (even when I tried giving the waitress my card) and word-dropped “date” twice during dinner. This was the look I gave each time:

We then watched a really horrible movie at his apartment and chatted about all the cool things he did abroad… I made sure to keep my distance on the couch, and never insinuated that there would be any form of touching during said movie, or after. And yet, he still said the word “Date”. I felt conflicted the entire night. Although I was having a genuinely good time with him, I had to cautiously make sure I was not giving him any reason to think that I wanted anything more to come from that evening…

I don’t know where we stand at this moment. It’s quite a pickle. I mentioned to him, more than once, that I “don’t date”, but who knows where that actually landed in his mind. I just feel like I’m stuck right now. I don’t want to have to over-think texting him asking if he wants to join me and my friends for happy hour…

Why can’t girls and guys just be friends? Is that really so difficult? Is it even possible? There’s an interesting video here that shows how most girls think they can have guy friends, but guys can’t. Is that true? Do I have to re-analyze every current male friend that I have…

I don’t think it’s fair.

Belle.

I’ll Never be Able to Quit You

6 May

by Stacie Smack

It was Saturday night (or I suppose, Sunday morning) and I was having a blast and on my way home with the man I’ve decided I like enough to continue dating. And then Chuck Bass texted. This is an unedited transcript, with some author’s notes.

CB: Where are you this fine evening?

… It’s been weeks. Weeks since you made me feel like a complete idiot after I threw myself at you and you let me get in a cab. I ignored it. And then.

CB: So. what, do you only respond to my daytime texts?

SS: From you, yes.

CB: Would it be juvenile to point out that it’s already dark, so I tricked you? I want to see you before I go

Yes Chuck, it is juvenile.

SS: Where are you off to this time?

CB: London, various other European locales, and Abu Dhabi*. Will you be around this coming weekend?

SS: How fun! Work or pleasure or both? And I’m not around…

CB: Both is always my MO. Fine then I’ll catch up to you the week after. Between you and me, I’m actually moving to Abu Dhabi. I won’t be coming back from this trip…

SS: Congratulations! You had mentioned that that was your goal! Are you so pumped? And we can definitely catch up. Just know you’re not getting any special sendoff. Unfortunately, I’m not in a position to do that.

That was my attempt at being supportive, friendly, and saying, look I’m dating someone exclusively and if I don’t tell you, I won’t restrain myself when I see you because for some odd reason, I can’t say no to you. 

CB: Hell yeah and I’m extremely pumped. What ever could you mean?

SS: I’m done taking my pants off for you…

CB: So wear a skirt.

CB: Jokes, but don’t act like that was just for me. That was for us. But, hey, that’s totally fair. I make no demands.

SS: Haha. Us is not a thing buddy. I threw myself at you for a year. It as time to draw a line.

CB: Touche. I was upfront about being a bad man from the beginning, at least. I recognize being involved with me is objectively not healthy. Maybe I’ll be different in 10 years. Who knows. It’s been an extremely eventful 2 years here. I spent so much time and energy just staying ahead of the constant, wild life changes.

SS: I know. You had a wild two years. I can’t even begin to imagine and I’m really happy that things turned around. I’m just done giving you a pass for it.

CB: Was I cruel to you?

SS: Cruel might be giving you too much credit. But let’s just say my friends don’t think of you very fondly. You drove me crazy and you never cared. And that’s fine. But you know, I needed a break.

CB: Your friends being OUR friends, eh? That would explain why they started acting distant eventually. I didn’t understand that at the time. For the record, I was/am painfully aware of how inadequate I can be emotionally. So I’d compensate with thunderous sexual performances. It’s a great long term strategy.

SS: Not those friends. My other friends. I actually am self aware enough to not taint OUR friends with my own experiences when it comes to you.

You created that distance all by yourself buddy. And thunderous sex? Honestly, it’s not even that big…

CB: Jesus… I don’t think I know them?

SS: My college friends?

CB: Oh I’ve met them. So when does your book come out?

He knows/thinks (depending if I get my shit together) that I’m writing a book. Also that was a POOR attempt at changing the subject, huh?

SS: Not yet. Still writing it. But don’t worry. There’s a page where I just chew you out. It’s glorious.

See link above.

CB: Ah I have to read it! I kind of perversely enjoy getting yelled at. For context, I’d just become single for the first time since I was 18. I didn’t know how to handle it, other than reverting to what I was like back in the day. Perhaps [our mutual friend] can attest… Not an excuse, just an explanation. These are all recent revelations.

SS: That’s why I didn’t push. I was aware of that. So I waited. And waited. And you know. Then moved on.

And that was the end. Maybe I left him speechless. Maybe he stopped caring. Either way I was lying. Obviously, I haven’t moved on. Obviously I mostly forgive everything. But please stop making me feel like you want me. Stop making me feel embarrassed and ashamed at myself when you don’t ask me to go home with you. I don’t want to wait 10 years. I don’t want you to be different. I just want you more often in my life. 

Call me when you’re back in town. Part of me will always be waiting for you.

Three words. Eight letters. Just say them and I’m yours. 

 

*Locations have been changed to I suppose protect this asshole of a man’s privacy.

Welcome back, Harry!

30 Apr

Westminster’s church bells are tolling, Big Ben’s clock is ringing, the streets are filled with people clinking beer pints and singing “God Save the Queen”… And Prince Harry is Single Again!!!

Thank you, Great Britian. You gave us Harry Potter, The Theory of Gravity, The Tardis, and one Sexy royal family. Prince William married one of the most beautiful women ever – Princess Kate, my spirit animal. And little baby George already looks like a stud muffin.

And I’m sorry Will… But your brother just wins.

I can’t say I would typically go for gingers… but in Harry’s case, come at me, bro.

I found out about Harry’s recent eligibility this morning on Good Morning America. To describe my feelings towards him, I believe pictures speak louder than words…

There’s an incredibly idiotic show that is coming out called “I Wanna Marry Harry” featuring American women who actually think the Hotness Prince is going on a dating show to find his future wife… Thank you, Fox, for once again proving how daft we all can be.

As sad as Harry must be, losing his girlfriend of over a year, I have a feeling he won’t be lonely for too long. Girls all over the world (obviously myself included) are simply thrilled that he is back on the market. And until the time comes that I have to crawl back into my sad mindset that he is unavailable again, I will continue to dream that we’ll casually bump into each other at some corner pub in London, share a plate of fish and chips, fall deeply in love, and have beautiful royal babies named Henry and Sophia that live happily ever after.

Clearly I’m just as delusional as everyone else.

B.

 

So maybe you got a boyfriend… But do you know what you lost?

29 Apr

by Stacie Smack

Hello. I’m apparently back from a three week bender (also known as laziness and writer’s block). But let me tell you some things. There’s nothing better than eavesdropping on other 20-somethings’ conversations and then disagreeing or mocking everything they say while formulating what are obviously better and more correct opinions. But sometimes, they actually don’t say totally ridiculous things.

I was on a train on my way from one European city to another, and two very loud Americans were discussing their sex lives at a decibel that was perfectly audible two rows behind them (and that only Americans can publicly achieve).

“I guess you kind of have to decide what you want with the person because when you gain a lover, you’re simultaneously losing a friend.”

Deep, amirite???

No but really, think about it –

Yes, I suppose in your world of butterflies and fairytales and cakes that taste good but have zero calories, your boyfriend can be a lover AND a friend, but let’s be real, he will never fill the role of casual friend (yo, let’s grab a beer bro, watch the game or whatever) or Y-chromosome know-it all to explain men for you. The second you let him unhook your bra and see your three-week old brazilian wax, the friendship is toast. And I don’t mean “morning-after, you woke up in his bed” toast, honey.

Usually, the chances that you’ll stay friends with an ex are very, very slim by the way. I mean let’s be real, if you’re lucky you’ve shared all those “feelings” and “emotions” and whatever else you crazy kids are calling them these days. You’ve stopped confiding in your REAL friends and instead give him the weekly blow job that you feel like you owe him after he kindly listened to you whine for three hours (side note: you don’t owe him a blow job gurl, it’s YO life). Anyways, I digress. You’ll have wasted all those hours building some sort of emotional connection, and then he’ll leave you for Candy (the latest startup in San Fran, obvi. No one would ever cheat on you!). And then you’ll try to be friends still because, well, you need to talk about your coworker who’s still being a total ass until you realize that it’s impossible because he can’t just cup your ass in that comforting way he did so well while frenching you like there’s no tomorrow.

And don’t forget about the collateral damage! When things inevitably end (sorry, I meant to say of course they won’t because have you seen how amazing you are? but for some of us who are not as lucky as you), his friends which you’ve grown to like so much (dare I say… love?) and basically see more than you see your actual friends will disappear with him. POOF! They’re gone because when it comes to picking sides, he was there first. Even if you were best. Perhaps the best advice I can give you when deciding if a relationship with him is worth it, is to spend some quality time stalking his friends via all possible social media means to form solid ill-conceived believable judgements of people you’ve never met but who could just be like your BFF4E. If they seem awesome, do not sleep with him! I repeat do not sleep with him.

You’re welcome. Please mention how life changing I was to your life when talking to commoners who haven’t yet achieved emotional nirvana.