I’ll Never be Able to Quit You

6 May

by Stacie Smack

It was Saturday night (or I suppose, Sunday morning) and I was having a blast and on my way home with the man I’ve decided I like enough to continue dating. And then Chuck Bass texted. This is an unedited transcript, with some author’s notes.

CB: Where are you this fine evening?

… It’s been weeks. Weeks since you made me feel like a complete idiot after I threw myself at you and you let me get in a cab. I ignored it. And then.

CB: So. what, do you only respond to my daytime texts?

SS: From you, yes.

CB: Would it be juvenile to point out that it’s already dark, so I tricked you? I want to see you before I go

Yes Chuck, it is juvenile.

SS: Where are you off to this time?

CB: London, various other European locales, and Abu Dhabi*. Will you be around this coming weekend?

SS: How fun! Work or pleasure or both? And I’m not around…

CB: Both is always my MO. Fine then I’ll catch up to you the week after. Between you and me, I’m actually moving to Abu Dhabi. I won’t be coming back from this trip…

SS: Congratulations! You had mentioned that that was your goal! Are you so pumped? And we can definitely catch up. Just know you’re not getting any special sendoff. Unfortunately, I’m not in a position to do that.

That was my attempt at being supportive, friendly, and saying, look I’m dating someone exclusively and if I don’t tell you, I won’t restrain myself when I see you because for some odd reason, I can’t say no to you. 

CB: Hell yeah and I’m extremely pumped. What ever could you mean?

SS: I’m done taking my pants off for you…

CB: So wear a skirt.

CB: Jokes, but don’t act like that was just for me. That was for us. But, hey, that’s totally fair. I make no demands.

SS: Haha. Us is not a thing buddy. I threw myself at you for a year. It as time to draw a line.

CB: Touche. I was upfront about being a bad man from the beginning, at least. I recognize being involved with me is objectively not healthy. Maybe I’ll be different in 10 years. Who knows. It’s been an extremely eventful 2 years here. I spent so much time and energy just staying ahead of the constant, wild life changes.

SS: I know. You had a wild two years. I can’t even begin to imagine and I’m really happy that things turned around. I’m just done giving you a pass for it.

CB: Was I cruel to you?

SS: Cruel might be giving you too much credit. But let’s just say my friends don’t think of you very fondly. You drove me crazy and you never cared. And that’s fine. But you know, I needed a break.

CB: Your friends being OUR friends, eh? That would explain why they started acting distant eventually. I didn’t understand that at the time. For the record, I was/am painfully aware of how inadequate I can be emotionally. So I’d compensate with thunderous sexual performances. It’s a great long term strategy.

SS: Not those friends. My other friends. I actually am self aware enough to not taint OUR friends with my own experiences when it comes to you.

You created that distance all by yourself buddy. And thunderous sex? Honestly, it’s not even that big…

CB: Jesus… I don’t think I know them?

SS: My college friends?

CB: Oh I’ve met them. So when does your book come out?

He knows/thinks (depending if I get my shit together) that I’m writing a book. Also that was a POOR attempt at changing the subject, huh?

SS: Not yet. Still writing it. But don’t worry. There’s a page where I just chew you out. It’s glorious.

See link above.

CB: Ah I have to read it! I kind of perversely enjoy getting yelled at. For context, I’d just become single for the first time since I was 18. I didn’t know how to handle it, other than reverting to what I was like back in the day. Perhaps [our mutual friend] can attest… Not an excuse, just an explanation. These are all recent revelations.

SS: That’s why I didn’t push. I was aware of that. So I waited. And waited. And you know. Then moved on.

And that was the end. Maybe I left him speechless. Maybe he stopped caring. Either way I was lying. Obviously, I haven’t moved on. Obviously I mostly forgive everything. But please stop making me feel like you want me. Stop making me feel embarrassed and ashamed at myself when you don’t ask me to go home with you. I don’t want to wait 10 years. I don’t want you to be different. I just want you more often in my life. 

Call me when you’re back in town. Part of me will always be waiting for you.

Three words. Eight letters. Just say them and I’m yours. 

 

*Locations have been changed to I suppose protect this asshole of a man’s privacy.

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