Lifecycle of a One Night Stand

4 Apr

The weather’s getting warm again. Which means, as SR’s Anne so eloquently put it: it’s Betty hook up season again. 

Loyal readers will recall that Betty recently swore off one-night stands. Whatever.

From someone who’s been there, here’s the modern one-night stand, broken down into its constituent parts. It’s a timeless classic.

1. The Realization: “Wait, this is real. I could totally go home with this guy. He, like, WANTS to sleep with me. I’m getting lucky tonight?!?!!?” Yeah gurl. That guy who’s been chatting you up – and you’ve totally been reciprocating – wants to go home with you. Remember how you looked at the mirror earlier tonight and vaguely thought “that shirt’s kinda low cut”? Well there it is. Actions have consequences. Great and sexual consequences.

2. Fake Coyness: This is where you realize that this is totally gratuitous at best, and irresponsible at worst. There is NO REASON to go home with a guy you’ve just met. What if he’s awful? W hat if he has a disease or lives in Crystal City? Home is ten minutes away, and all you have to do is walk away to make this into nothing more than a mildly funny brunch recollection. You smile apologetically and start to shake your head and make excuses…

And yet.

3. Resignation: But then, the voice in your head whispers, what do you really have to lose? Just the credibility of the blog post in which you said you weren’t doing this anymore. And he’s cute. And his friends already left him (poor guy). Why not?

#YOLO

4. Anticipation: You get in the cab. You make some small talk that makes you think maybe this person is actually a worthy human being. I mean, we like had a conversation, right? You pull up and go up the elevator/stairs/whatever. Maybe you pass some roommates getting high on the couch. This is actually kind of exciting. Who knows what awaits you on the other side of his door?

I know. A gross room with clothes everywhere, a few old Rolling Stones in the nasty bathroom, and some books he read in college that make you think, once again, that this person is a real human worth having a conversation with. Hey, a girl can dream.

5. Sexy and you know it: Ok, no matter who the person is, having someone rip your clothes off is ALWAYS going to make you feel amazing and turn you on like none other. It is a truth universally acknowledged.

You will feel like this.

6. The main event: This is where you have sex. It’s probably not that good because (with some important exceptions) foreplay during one-night stands is kind of not a thing. But with any luck, it won’t be actively bad. It will probably feel pretty decent. And hopefully you’re not actually thinking this many thoughts during the actual act, but keep in mind that it’s better than falling asleep alone with a half-eaten burrito bowl and Parks and Rec on Netflix.

7. Sleep. You’re drunk and so fucking tired.

6. The badass hangover: I don’t know about you guys, but I think there’s very little truth to the trope of waking up and being horrified at where you are and what you have done. For me, that comes later. At the moment I wake up, my head is pounding and my stomach’s churning, but other than that, I honestly feel triumphant. Good fucking JOB, Betty. This is going to make a great blog post – and besides, he’s not that unattractive.

6a. [optional] Round 2: This one really depends. In many cases, there will be morning sex, and in some, people are just so tired/hung over/embarrassed/over it that this doesn’t happen. In my experience, morning sex is inferior to The Main Event, but hey, choose your own adventure.

7. Delusion: Okay, time for a moment of real talk. As much as we complain, as douchey as the guys we hook up with are, one thing remains true: with a few exceptions, we will almost always hold out hope that this could go somewhere. Even if ‘somewhere’ is just this grimy apartment, again, at 2 am next Saturday. Hence the awkward departure, pregnant (HAHA SORRY) with possibilities and awkwardness and ambiguity. From exchanging numbers to wondering whether to say “this was fun, let’s do it again” (is that too clingy??!?!) to the great question of our time – DO YOU KISS GOODBYE? – this is where it really becomes clear how weird it is that you don’t really know each other but you know each other. Biblically.

8. Departure. Get the fuck out. Extra awkwardness points if he has to get out of bed and come undo all the locks for you. Not that this has ever happened to me. Ever.

9. The shame shower. Some people talk about the walk of shame (or, let’s be real, the Uber of shame). I would posit that the trip home is for introspection on what just happened – and texting your friends. It is only once you get home and you get into the shower to wash off all the bodily fluids and irresponsibility (seriously, how did my hair get this bad in one night did that guy GREASE HIS SHEETS or something?) that you realize you’re an idiot and it’s probably time to stop being so damn single. But let’s face it, pretty soon you’ll be wasted at a bar unable to find your friends, and you’ll strike up a conversation with some guy and have The Realization. And so, you realize as you attempt to loofah your regrets away, it shall begin again.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

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