Give The Dweeb A Chance

27 Mar

by Stacie Smack

Last week Betty shared her internal battle of dating because it makes sense on paper or not.

She failed to mention a couple of [essential] aspects of the battle: mainly that he may or may not be a dweeb.

Funnily enough, her ongoing struggle (once you account for the missing mentioned piece) is EERILY similar to my current situation. From reading her post, it might not be obvious, but from talking endlessly about it with her, I know.

I would say that D-Bag (my charming pet name for the man I’m dating) is not perfect on paper or marriage material. He’s a well-educated, employed male with left-leaning tendencies. I suppose he fits the basic criteria. However, to quote & paraphrase Betty:

1) His automatic response to getting somewhere after hours is PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION. Everyone knows that any proper DC Yuppie exclusively Ubers after 11pm.

2a) He PRIORITIZES SLEEP OVER SEX! This has happened more than once. ALL I WANT is some freaking morning sex but he like constantly freaks out that he like isn’t going to have enough sleep or whatever and keeps shutting me down! Who are you?

2b) When I made a gently sarcastic comment about the above, he jokes (unfunnily) “i need my beauty rest.” you are not beautiful.

3a) He wears really dweeby boxers. You’re an adult. Invest in underwear that is pleasant to see. Unless this is your way of encouraging me to take them off? But see 2a. No.

3b) Actually he dresses kinda dweeby overall.

4) Despite being generally kind of a “nice nerdy boy” type, he occasionally dips into the usage of kinda vulgar terms that just do NOT work for him. For example, his roommate wasn’t there and he looked into the living room and kinda casually thought OUT LOUD “oh, we missed a chance to fuck on the couch” – like EW STOP.

5) We were just lying in bed and he goes “tell me a story” (what?) and I was like ummm what about? and he was like “I dunno, about something really embarrassing that happened to you when you were a little kid.” Why would you want to hear that??? That’s the least sexy thing to talk about in bed ever.

I hope that this paints a better understanding of who these men are. These are not necessarily make-or-break issues. But they are just constant reminders that they’re just a little bit dweeby 100% of the time! So why don’t you just end it? If you’re so caught up in the dweebness and you’re annoyed with his presence, and you’d rather not have your friends meet him due to the possibility of them becoming aware of the dweebity of the man. I mean he doesn’t even own a pair of boat shoes.

There’s a catch. A slightly important catch that went severely unmentioned.

THE SEX. IS FANTASTIC.

Better and unlike anything experienced before. So you’d understand the hesitation when talking about ending things. Sometimes it’s hard to turn down multiple orgasms. Between having to go sexless while finding men to date and having a sure thing that’s also an AMAZING thing, I think the choice is clear right? Right?

There’s a second catch, that complicates things even more.

THE DWEEB LOVES YOU.

Ok, so maybe they haven’t literally used those words. But there are only like a billion signs that make this clear. They’re always willing to go to your place. They always text first. In fact, sometimes I won’t text on purpose, even if I have a free evening, only to see how long it takes him to say something. And that something will probably be dweeby (“Stayed up until 2am playing bananagrams on a weeknight 🙂 how was your day?”). But he will always text. He’ll change his plans to end up where you are because you’re not about to change your plans for him. He’ll come and meet you at a bar full of YOUR friends by himself, because he literally kisses the ground you walk on.

We spend so much time asking “where are all the nice guys in this city?” after yet another guy from Policy never calls you back. It’s kind of refreshing to date a guy who will reliably be there when you wake up on a Saturday morning.

So I’m giving the dweeb a chance. After two years of crazy hook ups, bad online dates, and being strung along by the love of my life (HA), I decided to take a break. It’s almost like a vacation from my preferred lifestyle. I’m temporarily hitting pause, and allowing DB to show me the wonders of monogamy (SOMEONE SAVE ME). Rather than staying up until 2am every other Saturday waiting for Chuck Bass to come over for two hours, I’m letting DB come over, do me, cuddle me, AND take me out to breakfast the next morning.

I haven’t really dated anyone ever for longer than a couple of months, and I’ve never really been exclusive, and I’m sick of sleeping with assholes. So, I’m letting a guy actually treat me nicely.

Because why do we have to put up with being treated like dirt?

1) Why do we silently comply with the guy that only calls us at 12:30am every third Saturday of the month who promises to get drinks and never does?

2) Why do we let the guy we dated for three months just stop texting without demanding an explanation or at least a formal “we’re done” conversation?

3) Why do we only find guys attractive if they ignore us at the bar, flirt with our friend, and manage to give back-handed compliments that still make us swoon?

4) Why is the guy wearing the sexy black David Beckham underwear always the one who never calls back?

So, here I am. And all I can say is:

GIVE THE DWEEB A CHANCE.

 

 

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