To Smartphone or Not to Smartphone?

6 Mar

It’s a dilemma for our time. Are smartphones killing us or making our lives better?

Things that are better with a smartphone:

  1. Riding the Metro Waiting for the Metro. Are you kidding me – no iPhone while waiting on the Glenmont side at Gallery Place? By the time the 13 minute wait is over I’ve refreshed Twitter 1300 times. Also, despite the medieval quality of the Metro it’s pretty cool that I get internet on my phone in the actual trains.
  2. Talking to stupid roommates and coworkers. This conversation does not require my full attention. Also, if I’m kinda bent over my phone maybe you’ll realize I don’t actually want to hear about your commute.
  3. Meetings and conferences of any kind. It’s just accepted that you’re allowed to be on a phone during these. I’m taking notes. Duh. I can’t sit through 4 minutes of a meeting anymore without checking my email.

Things that are better without a smartphone:

  1. Watching TV. Seriously, this is revolutionary. How crazy is it that we’ve gotten so used to refreshing our phones during commercials, during credits, and during dull moments of the actual show? No wonder I can’t figure out what the fuck is going on on Scandal, which is probably the lowest IQ drama out there. Last night I watched one of my favorite shows and my phone was in another room, and it was amazing. I didn’t miss anything by way of snarky live tweeting of the show – don’t worry, I checked afterwards (Also, I got the dishes done during the ads).
  2. Eating at restaurants. This one’s a no-brainer, guys. Put that shit away.
  3. Screwing around on the Internet. Ok, time to get meta: I can’t even begin to wrap my head around the concept that I’ll be browsing stupid Internet sites on my computer and then I’ll pause to browse stupid Internet sites on my phone. WHAT THE FUCK MODERNITY. Like, you get a text, and that reminds you that you had a Snapchat, and then all of a sudden you’re reading the Wikipedia entry on sriracha sauce, on your phone, all while balancing your laptop in your lap. What are you doing with your life?
  4. Working. I don’t often answer my texts or look at my phone while I’m at the office. It’s a huge distraction. It can wait. Besides, there’s always Gchat.
  5. Sleeping. We all know this one, but we don’t stick to it: sleeping with your phone by your bedside is terrible for you. Not only does it prolong your drop off to sleep by tempting you to look for that email one last time before bed, it overstimulates you at the time when you need your brain to be relaxing and, frankly, I hate that I wake up, turn off my phone alarm, and immediately start reading my overnight emails. It is a damn depressing way to start your day.

The verdict is in, guys. Throw your smartphone in the goddamn trash, it’s ruining your life.

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