Crimes Against Humanity

24 Jan

*please take this with a grain of salt, my loves. these are merely suggestions based on what i feel appeals to humans’ eyeballs. i’m all about making people feel good and helping others, you know?

Have you ever been personally offended by an outfit?

I have.

And let me tell you, it sure doesn’t feel great. Last weekend, I saw so. many. crimes against fashion, I was forced to do something drastic: call Joan Rivers write a blog post about it.

Ladies and gentlemen of DC, why? WHY? Most of us are gainfully employed by people who care very much about their image (if you claim you don’t, somebody’s lying to you honey). Not to mention, most of us are always on the lookout for potential power moves. Ahem, Betty’s post yesterday? All of that being said, why do some of us dress in the most unflattering, terrifying clothing?!

Dressing well is, contrary to popular belief, not always expensive. One of my favorite places to shop is Target (pronounced Tar-jay, a French couture fashion house, obvs). A few weeks ago at Nordstrom Rack I snagged a $648 blazer for $19.99. Yes. A penny less than TWENTY DOLLARS. 97% off. See?

Please allow me to share some of the horrifying things I saw last weekend.

Flared jeans with converse at a party on a girl my age. And I’m not talking Kourtney Kardashian bell bottomed, wide legged jeans, I’m talking the things of Abercrombie & Fitch circa 2004. Homegirl could have so pulled off her converse with a slightly less sugary sweet attitude, a completely different non-Loft shirt (don’t get me wrong, I love Loft, but her peplum didn’t work here), and skinny jeans. Throw on a casual white blouse, skinny jeans, and a studded necklace with your converse?! YES PLEASE!

Fishnet stockings and a too-short, neon, skin tight skirt with motorcycle boots on a 30+ year old. Honey. HONEY. That may look good on your college aged sister, and I’m not saying it looked TERRIBLE on you, because your body definitely can wear a form fitting skirt. Remember that rule from high school where your skirt had to touch your fingertips? Apply that, plus a few inches after college, ESPECIALLY after 30. The boots cut her off in a very unflattering spot. I’m just saying, she had better options and could have looked HOT.

Remember this picture?

I saw way too many girls wearing the same color nude leggings this weekend. They will never look good on anybody. I understand they are popular. They do not look okay. Thank you.

Now, some are opposed to leggings as pants. I am generally not one of those people. Personally, on me, I prefer my Joes jeans legging resembling pants with zipper and pockets, but on some girls, leggings as pants do look good! That being said, don’t push it. Your leggings should not be able to multitask as tights or to go running. (exceptions: bumming around with your girlfriends, a gross grungy hungover brunch). Parties and bars? Pass on the cropped yoga leggings with boots that barely reach, PLEASE.

I’d probably let Belle wear these.

Boys. Boys, boys, boys. Just a few comments for you.

1. Pull your pants up. Is it the 90’s? Is MC Hammer your close personal friend? What about Justin Bieber? No? Then pull them up. If I want to see your underwear, you will know.

2. What do you need all those pockets in your cargo shorts for? Are you building a house after you go to the bar? Aside from the unnecessary space, they are just simply not flattering, and they are very very casual. Please wear them to do yardwork, that is fine. Back away from me at St. Ex if you are wearing them.

3. Sometimes, sneakers at a bar are okay. Most times are not sometimes.

4. The truest crime of the weekend I saw were CARGO JEANS. On a non-European male. I was not okay. I needed my childhood inhaler. And I just don’t know that I’ll ever be able to trust a man ever again.

5. Sometimes men in DC dress phenomenally. Button ups and khakis, I’m lookin’ at y’all.

In sum, dress for your body type, dress for your personality (it’s okay to venture out sometimes! but make sure it still LOOKS GOOD), dress in what makes you COMFORTABLE and CONFIDENT. Don’t show your underwear, and don’t have too many pockets.

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One Response to “Crimes Against Humanity”

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  1. Fashion For Men Over 40 | Stirring Trouble internationally - January 28, 2014

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