Top 5 Reasons Your Week Is Sucking: Science Says So Edition

9 Jan

Hey bitches. Question: did you hate your lives on Monday? Were you bored, depressed, and generally pissed off?

I mean, it was a Monday. Obvs. And you might have still been feeling your hangover or shame from NYE – or you might have had withdrawal from deciding not to drink all weekend. You know, because of your hangover or shame from NYE.

Well, I’ve got science for you: apparently, according to Official And Highly Scientific Analysis, Monday was the most depressing day of the year. It even has a catchy name: “Blue Monday.”

Never mind that everyone believes Blue Monday is not real science. Never mind that the study was commissioned by a goddamn booze company with a clear incentive to make people depressed, and is based off of an analysis of tweets.

I’m going with it. Not only did ‘Blue Monday’ suck, this entire week sucked. Here are 5 reasons why:

5. All the endorphins froze. If you live anywhere in the US, it was cold as shit because of something called the ‘polar vortex.’ My heater right now probably feels the way my liver did on New Years’ Day.

4. Lack of butter. Seriously. You resolved to eat healthier and you’re still in that honeymoon period with your New Year’s resolution, i.e. it hasn’t been long enough for you to realize it’s a total joke. It’s not that tough to make healthy food for yourself – what’s rough is toughing out that grumpy feeling later on that sets in after the initial satisfaction of cooking your veggies in something that supposedly won’t make you fat.

3. You’re TIRED! Seriously, how did that liquor company not see through all the social media snark and realize that people just haven’t made up their sleep deficit?! You always think you’re going to catch up on sleep during the holidays, but you end up cruising the hometown bars until way too late and then watching Netflix all night because vacation. Then, New Year’s Eve happens, and you’re still underslept a week later.

2. The dating world is your oyster, and that’s overwhelming. It’s easy to say every year that ____ is going to be the year you find the right guy, stop sleeping with jerks, start sleeping with jerks, whatever.

The difference this year, and the reason it’s all kind of a bummer, is that this year you can actually do it, what with the plethora of dating sites, apps, and what not that are allowing us to date at the drop of a hat (or at the drop of Betty’s pencil skirt). Coffees are meeting bagels, Groupers and are meeting Plenty of (Other) Fish, and I don’t even know what else.

So there technically isn’t an excuse to not be dating someone cool in 2014, because all you have to do is pick up your phone and sign up somewhere.  Before, it was like resolving that you wanted to eat more veggies but you only lived next to Chipotle and had no supermarket so you had to just settle for pico de gallo and shredded lettuce. Now that the Harris Teeter is open, you can’t really whine if you never go shopping in the produce section.

1. Them big kid career blues. Your New Year’s Resolution was to take charge of your career. You’re gonna be on top of your to do list, get that promotion, and be the youngest person in the C suite in company history. Right? Well, then you came back on Blue Monday, your cubicle still kinda had a weird smell, people yelled at you, and you realized it was just the same shit…different year.

Sounds about right. Happy goddamn new Blue year.

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