7 Things I Want From My Office Gift Exchange

19 Dec

by Brownout Betty

Folks, this post comes from you right off the heels of Betty’s office holiday party, which for the first time in recent history included a “White Elephant” gift exchange (god knows where that name comes from (ok, I just looked it up on Wikipedia and it has to do with the King of Siam. Whatever. I digress)).

This ended up being mostly a scramble for the best gift card (Starbucks for $15 beats Starbucks for $10. But does it beat Chipotle for $12? Serious #dilemmas (oh, and I am not kidding, these were seriously all gift items that were brought, and seriously debates that were had during the party)).

(source: BuzzFeed)

So I actually made out okay in this rat race (wish I could say the same for my career/romantic prospects AMIRITE GUYS), but the whole exercise made me think about the things I wish I could get from my coworkers in an ideal gift exchange.

In honor of the giving taking spirit of the holidays, here are 7 things I want from my coworkers in next year’s office White Siamese Cat Whatever the Animal Is Exchange.

7. A TV. Ok folks, this is how I know the workplace is a joke. Betty works in politics, and without revealing where it is she works, let’s just say it’s not Goldman Sachs and there isn’t a ton of money lying around for fun things like, you know, Patron at the holiday party or an office chair that isn’t disgusting or whatever. Yet somehow, Betty’s manager can get a brand spankin’ new TV just to watch CSPAN? I mean, have you ever heard of the INTERNET? It’s one of those baller TVs where you can stream Netflix and all that stuff too, so let’s just go ahead and say that item 7(a) on my wishlist would be the ability to watch Scandal on Friday when I’m hungover (see item 4, below) instead of doing actual work.

6. An intern. I mean, honestly. I graduated from a respectable school and I have Ideas To Contribute To The Conversation. Why am I wasting my time uploading dumb files on a slow Internet connection and proofreading other people’s silly mistakes and inputting nonsense into a spreadsheet that no one will ever look at? Isn’t that what the youth of America is here for?

(Sidebar: ok no but for real, the intern problem is a huge one and Betty feels very strongly about it. To get educated, do yourself a favor and read this).

5. A door. Seriously, how many years do I have to work at this place, and how many people with offices have to get fired, before I CAN GET AN OFFICE WITH A DOOR? I do real work unlike all the rest of you, and it would be nice to be able to shut the door so I can troll Twitter send Snapchat selfies do all of that aforementioned work in peace. (On this, see also item #1, below).

4. A Friday morning survival kit: sunglasses, Advil, and 2 espresso shots for the rough morning-after-El-Centro-ladies-night. You know we all need it.

3. A Chipotle gift card. Umm, sorry, did y’all catch me earlier in this post making fun of the Chipotle gift card that appeared in the gift exchange? I didn’t mean it. I was just making fun of the idea that ANYONE would give up a Chipotle gift card for anything. That is the best goddamn gift in the world for anyone who works. Period.

2. Cash. Seriously. I don’t care if it’s 10 bucks. Just give it to me and I’ll pretend that it was part of my paycheck because I finally got the raise I deserve to do this bullshit.

1. Some noise-cancelling headphones so I NEVER HAVE TO LISTEN TO YOU ASSHOLES CHATTERING DOWN THE HALL EVER. AGAIN.

Love you guys!

Brownout, OUT.

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