10 Things Men Do that Definitely Help me Keep my Pants On

10 Dec

by Stacie Smack
inspired by Belle’s recount of Long-Fingernails-Guy

Dear Employed Male Yuppie who lives in NW DC (or H St) who is trying to put the moves on me, please see below on why I will not be going home with you tonight (or if I did, I won’t be calling you back…):

1. Your jeans are too short.

You are in your 20s and probably have an income that allows you to buy adult jeans. Unless you’re 6’5’ or taller (in which case you were them short on purpose), there is no excuse for me being able to see your (not even ironic) socks.

2. You own New Balance sneakers (or generic replicas).

Go watch Crazy Stupid Love and watch Steve Carrell, closely. DO NOT be that guy.  Which leads me to…

3. You wore sneakers on on a weekend night out

Dear man whose pants I most definitely won’t be removing. Please never ever wear your sneakers out again. Like ever ever again. Consider the slew of alternatives of boat shoes, loafers, casual dress shoes, the list goes on and it does not include your New Balance white sneakers that your mom bought you. I mean seriously.

4. You have a stubbly chest.

At some point (thanks Channing Tatum and your perfectly smooth body), some dudes that seem to like picking up what Stacie is putting down decided to start shaving their chests. I get it, maybe if you shave, you’ll fake a six-pack better (hint: not). You will also give me stubble burn from not your beard in places where I definitely do not intend on getting stubble burn. Rug burn? Maybe. Stubble burn? STOP REQUESTED. Alternatively, go and get your chest waxed if you really think you can pull off the look (see below for reference). And, if you think it hurts, then grow a pair of balls before you try to talk to me again.

5. You don’t have condoms

Let’s pretend that somehow, you manage to get me back to your place. We start fooling around. And you have NO. CONDOMS. Excuse me? No, hoping that your roommate has some is not a valid alternative, and no, expecting me to carry some (which by the way ladies, do) is also not an option. There is literally a CVS everywhere in this city. I’m not saying that you have to be a mature adult, but like basic responsibilities dude. Handle them.

6. You wear/own old boxers

I don’t have a penis, I’ll give you that. But is it really that uncomfortable to wear boxer briefs? I mean look at those ads with David Beckham in them. They look DAMN good. And if you’re going to wear boxers (which I guess is fine because otherwise I’ll be giving up sex for a long time), please no holes, no strings, no stains. You are a grown-ass man. Just put yourself in my shoes, and imagine that moment when you’re fooling around on the couch, pants are coming off, and here’s a pair of orange boxers that you’ve had since eighth grade. Never. Time to Uber home.

7. Greasy Hair

There are a handful (maybe a dozen, but probably not even that many) men who can pull off the greasy hair look. You are definitely NOT one of those, sir. Please talk to me when you’ve taken a shower WITH shampoo. I don’t care if it’s the 3-in-1 body wash/shampoo/toothpaste situation. Also, if you try to convince me to talk to you by saying it’s not greasy, it’s just hair product, please rotate in a 180 degree angle and walk away as quickly as possible.

8. Sweatpants that don’t fit me

Here at #SRDC, we LOVE shack outfits. LOVE. If you are so tiny that I can’t borrow your pants to shame-walk home, then I don’t really want anything to do with you. BAI.

9. A Twin Size Bed

So this one night I went to see this DJ at Black Cat. I started chatting this kid up. He was kind of funny. Worked for the senate. Went to college and graduated. Was taller than me by enough inches that I’d be able to wear my favorite four-inch heels. I mean in #thisTown, that’s already a pretty solid foundation. So maybe he was wearing a male fashion ring, but he bought be a vodka soda and I kind of stopped seeing it. To make the deal even sweeter, he lived in Columbia Heights (this was while I was living Red-Line land). Basically he seemed to be the ideal #boyfriend material to supplement my perfect 20-something lifestyle. UNTIL. Until we walked into his room to find a bed. A bed for one. A bed like the one I slept on in college. I am no longer in college. You’ve been living in this apartment for A YEAR. And given how much you spent on drinks that night, I know it’s not a money issue. Call me when we can both sleep on that bed without me having flashbacks to Senior Week.

10. Also stop wearing fashion rings.

Just stop. Please

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2 Responses to “10 Things Men Do that Definitely Help me Keep my Pants On”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. One night stands: yay or nay? | STOP REQUESTED - December 12, 2013

    […] Anyway, I broke the rule a few more times in 2013, and now I’m back to my vow of pseudo-celibacy. This time, I feel like I really might stick to it. However, I regret to confess that it is not because I have somehow gained willpower to resist boys (unless, of course, they do one of these things). […]

  2. Give The Dweeb A Chance | STOP REQUESTED - March 27, 2014

    […] Actually he dresses kinda dweeby […]

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