Archive | December, 2013

… And A Happy New Year

31 Dec

I’ve seen a lot of people posting on Facebook and Twitter saying things like “Thank God the year is over”, “2013 can suck it”, “Can’t wait to forget the past 12 months”. And I remember seeing the exact same statements last December.

There have been many moments where I felt like saying the same thing… 2013 has definitely given me some low moments. I lost two of the most important people in my life. My grandfather who passed away over Thanksgiving weekend, and a (sometimes it seems like it is still ongoing) breakup with my boyfriend of 5 years which still leaves me crying in the shower. I’ve dealt with pushy co-workers, painful and regrettable hookups, (un?)explainable weight gain, and a serious knee injury that will carry repercussions well into 2014. Oh – Let’s not forget the obscene amount of money that I now have to spend on rent, student loans, and insurance…

But I’m also not blind to the fact that 2013 gave me plenty of reasons to smile. I was offered an incredible job that will provide nothing but amazing opportunities for my future. I moved out of my mother’s house to a brand new city with my own apartment. I met incredible friends – some of which I started a kinda cool blog with. And I’d like to think that even though I have plenty of immature stories to recall, I’ve grown up quite a bit… Not to mention the fact that I have discovered the world’s best burrito place.

So how do I describe 2013? Should I be cynical and angry about all the negativity that has encompassed the year, or do I blindly look at only the positive milestones? I think the answer, dear readers, is to look at it for what it is. A year.

2013 isn’t black and white. We can’t just look at an entire 12 months from one perspective. We’re young adults now. There will no longer be any years where only good things or only bad things seem to happen. We have a real-world life to deal with – bright careers that will undoubtedly have their failures, funerals and weddings, heartbreaks and hopeless love. Things just aren’t simple anymore. And eventually we must learn to accept that for every lovely memory that we hold in our past, there will be an equally sad one on the other end.

We have just a few more hours until 2014 begins. What does that really mean? Not much. When we get down to it, January 1st is going to be no different than today. It’s a New Year, but in all honesty, it’s just a new day.

So raise a glass, dear readers. To an entire year that you’ve made it through, and a brand new one that is waiting around the corner. Yes, I’m happy 2013 is over, because it was rough. But it was also strangely beautiful – as every year moving forward should be.


Happy New Year from all of us at Stop Requested!

Belle

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Queen Bey and Wannabeys

20 Dec

Unless you’ve been living under a rock the past 7 days, you know at least two things:

1) Beyonce gave us all an early Christmas present, not to mention set yet another precedent for other artists to live up to (LOL), with her surprise iTunes only visual album.

2) Bey played the Verizon Center for the third time this year (I shamelessly went to dinner and a movie at Gallery Place on Wednesday because I’m a masochist and I wanted to see if I could score some last minute tix for cheap, I also called 95.5 like, 900 times trying to win tickets).

50 Times Beyonc� Ran The World In 2013

my queen.

So, as a worshipper at the Bey throne, how do I love Beyonce, the album, by Beyonce, the Queen? Let me count the ways.

ps can Beyonce gifs animate my life please?

50 Times Beyonc� Ran The World In 2013

This whole album makes even the most subdued, lazy, boring human want to do several things:  get DOWN. AND. DIRTY in bed, dance with your best friends, dance in the shower, take a spin class (WHO KNEW SUCH A DESIRE WAS POSSIBLE?) dance in your underwear around your apartment, basically do anything ever. I felt all the feelings after my first listen.

Grown Woman has been one of my favorite songs for the past 6 days  months, it’s a serious empowering chick anthem. I’m actually really sad that Bey changed some of the lyrics. The previous version included this gem which makes me, again, feel all the feelings (mostly, ALIVE):

“I’m a grown woman/so I know how to ride it/I’m a grown woman and I’m so erotic/I’m a grown woman/look down gotcha so excited/I’m a grown woman/look at my body.”

50 Times Beyonc� Ran The World In 2013

yaaaasssss

Glamour named “The Sexiest Lyrics from Beyonce’s New Album”, and they pretty much nailed it.  Both “Partition” and “Blow” had me crawling out of my god damn skin, and “Partition” included a zinger of a Monica Lewinsky line, which I’m always a fan of. If you’re ever feeling not in the mood (again, LOL), just take a listen and I promise you, you’ll be good to go in t minus five minutes, especially if you add in a glass or seven of wine (I may be talking about myself on Saturday night…). Please trust me when I tell you this Beyonce obsession is one your boyfriend/brofriend will fully support if you act even one ounce like Bey does in any of the aforementioned songs.

“When you lick my skittles/it’s sweetest in the middle”

lanactrlaltdelrey:JESUS FUCKING CHRIST

***Flawless is another one of my favorites, it makes me want to conquer the world in a matter of seconds. It’s hard for me to put into words the feels that Bey makes me feel during ***Flawless. It’s another anthem complete with encouraging words from Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie where they instruct us to take no shit, to be all that we can be, and to fuck the haters. #girlpower

“Bow down bitches/…./Momma taught me good home training/My Daddy taught me how to love my haters/My sister taught me I should speak my mind/My man made me feel so God damn fine”

50 Times Beyonc� Ran The World In 2013

A few more quick notes:

1) Blue Ivy is old enough to speak? Okay.

2) Saying “Le Sex” in a french accent is my new thing.

3) Superpower is not my favorite, but it’s still FINE.

4) Despite my sadness over the changed “Grown Woman” lyrics, it’s still my alarm every morning (bye).

From “Blue” to “XO” to “Partition” to “Grown Woman”, Beyonce is so much more than just music, it’s Beyonce’s textbook to life. Bey is proof that we really can have it all, she’s an intelligent, hard working mother and wife, a superstar, and, an apparent dominatrix.

50 Times Beyonc� Ran The World In 2013

7 Things I Want From My Office Gift Exchange

19 Dec

by Brownout Betty

Folks, this post comes from you right off the heels of Betty’s office holiday party, which for the first time in recent history included a “White Elephant” gift exchange (god knows where that name comes from (ok, I just looked it up on Wikipedia and it has to do with the King of Siam. Whatever. I digress)).

This ended up being mostly a scramble for the best gift card (Starbucks for $15 beats Starbucks for $10. But does it beat Chipotle for $12? Serious #dilemmas (oh, and I am not kidding, these were seriously all gift items that were brought, and seriously debates that were had during the party)).

(source: BuzzFeed)

So I actually made out okay in this rat race (wish I could say the same for my career/romantic prospects AMIRITE GUYS), but the whole exercise made me think about the things I wish I could get from my coworkers in an ideal gift exchange.

In honor of the giving taking spirit of the holidays, here are 7 things I want from my coworkers in next year’s office White Siamese Cat Whatever the Animal Is Exchange.

7. A TV. Ok folks, this is how I know the workplace is a joke. Betty works in politics, and without revealing where it is she works, let’s just say it’s not Goldman Sachs and there isn’t a ton of money lying around for fun things like, you know, Patron at the holiday party or an office chair that isn’t disgusting or whatever. Yet somehow, Betty’s manager can get a brand spankin’ new TV just to watch CSPAN? I mean, have you ever heard of the INTERNET? It’s one of those baller TVs where you can stream Netflix and all that stuff too, so let’s just go ahead and say that item 7(a) on my wishlist would be the ability to watch Scandal on Friday when I’m hungover (see item 4, below) instead of doing actual work.

6. An intern. I mean, honestly. I graduated from a respectable school and I have Ideas To Contribute To The Conversation. Why am I wasting my time uploading dumb files on a slow Internet connection and proofreading other people’s silly mistakes and inputting nonsense into a spreadsheet that no one will ever look at? Isn’t that what the youth of America is here for?

(Sidebar: ok no but for real, the intern problem is a huge one and Betty feels very strongly about it. To get educated, do yourself a favor and read this).

5. A door. Seriously, how many years do I have to work at this place, and how many people with offices have to get fired, before I CAN GET AN OFFICE WITH A DOOR? I do real work unlike all the rest of you, and it would be nice to be able to shut the door so I can troll Twitter send Snapchat selfies do all of that aforementioned work in peace. (On this, see also item #1, below).

4. A Friday morning survival kit: sunglasses, Advil, and 2 espresso shots for the rough morning-after-El-Centro-ladies-night. You know we all need it.

3. A Chipotle gift card. Umm, sorry, did y’all catch me earlier in this post making fun of the Chipotle gift card that appeared in the gift exchange? I didn’t mean it. I was just making fun of the idea that ANYONE would give up a Chipotle gift card for anything. That is the best goddamn gift in the world for anyone who works. Period.

2. Cash. Seriously. I don’t care if it’s 10 bucks. Just give it to me and I’ll pretend that it was part of my paycheck because I finally got the raise I deserve to do this bullshit.

1. Some noise-cancelling headphones so I NEVER HAVE TO LISTEN TO YOU ASSHOLES CHATTERING DOWN THE HALL EVER. AGAIN.

Love you guys!

Brownout, OUT.

Dear Jess Mariano

18 Dec

Dear Jess Mariano,

Thanks for the phone call last night…

It’s been over 2 months since we broke up. Let me remind you why… Because I wasn’t quite good enough for you. Because You chose to stop making us a priority. Because Five years in a relationship wasn’t worth you coming to DC to start a life together. I’m 24. Maybe I wasn’t ready for the “ultimate final step”. But how many more years I was supposed to wait around for you to make up your mind? It was my future too. As much as I loved you, our relationship became unhealthy, unbalanced, and painful.

Listen, I could go on and on about why we broke up… The point is, we did. And I was so hurt during the end of the relationship that the last thing I wanted to do post-breakup was “mourn” and cry, for months on end, wallowing in my own self-pity. Because as sad as I am that every aspect of my future with you is over, I think I’ve been saying goodbye to you for a while.

But then… You, Jess Mariano, have the balls to call me out on “moving on too quickly”.

Excuse me?

You’re 400 miles away and shouldn’t even know what I’m up to in DC! Sure, I’ve made some mistakes, met new people, and even gone on a few dates. But that is NO LONGER YOUR BUSINESS.

I deserve to be surrounded by friends, and guys, who want to spend time with me. I don’t want to be sad about what I don’t have. I want to be happy about what I do have – supportive friends, wonderful family, and a life in an awesome city. I spent the past year walking on egg-shells afraid of our next argument or of your impending threat to end things because we just “didn’t feel right” anymore.

But now you’ve changed your mind. You want to make me feel guilty for moving forward in life because you realized your own mistakes. I’m sick of your attempts to criticize and belittle my feelings by saying that I have zero respect for our past relationship just because I’m okay with letting a guy take me out to dinner. You seem to be forgetting that the whole reason we broke up is because you haven’t had respect for me in ages!

Jess…

I don’t need this from you.

Yes, I’m still hurt that we are over. Imagine watching your future completely fall apart in front of your eyes, knowing you can’t stop it. I need to move on, because if I don’t, then all I’m going to do is sit in my apartment, look at pictures of us, and wonder what I did wrong.

But I won’t do that.

Because I didn’t screw this up.

You pushed me away, Jess. And now, I’m happy that you’re the one that’s feeling regret over what you lost. I don’t regret breaking up with you – because I deserve better than someone who only realizes how to behave in a relationship after it’s already over.

You don’t realize what you have until it’s gone, right? And you can’t make something work with someone who doesn’t love you as much as you love them. Maybe you’ve finally realized your true feelings.

But l’m sorry, Jess. You’re too late.

So please, let me move on.

Oh but first… Here’s a secret, Jess. Right now, I’m kinda glad you can’t.

Goodbye,

Belle

 

The Fishing Theory

17 Dec

by Stacie Smack

I regularly wish I taped my therapy sessions. There are some real gems that come out of the conversations I have with Tito (as one would hope, given the steep fee I’m charged for those 50 minutes of uninterrupted me-talk). Because of basic common sense and because good quality wires are so expensive, I don’t tape them.

Recently, he and I established that my approach to dating is like fishing. I’ve never gone fishing but I have a basic understanding of how it works, thank you television. There’s a lot of preparation that goes into fishing, a lot of planning, and it’s not a simple task. Yet, there is a clear goal: to catch a fish.

As it turns out, when one goes fishing, one does not jump into the ocean and yell “I want fish! Come to me fish!”. This would be too direct, too noisy, and too obvious and the fish would get scared and obviously swim away.  Instead, there’s bait designed to be deceiving. The idea is to convince the fish that you want nothing to do with them – in fact you conceal the hook (what gets you what you want) to look like food (something that they want that you would never actually want to eat yourself!). You give the wrong impression and that guarantees that you’ll get the fish!

I’m hoping that by now, the metaphor has become quite clear. I spend a lot of time sitting on that big leather chair, telling him how much I want a man to fall in love with me head over heels. And as I tell him, I realize that  we go out to bars and we talk to guys and we do everything possible to seem cool, unattached, and as far from desperate as possible. We conceal what we really want so well, because we are so scared (perhaps rightfully so) that if we approach the process directly, all men will see is flutter in the water and they will swim away.

I mean, really, can you imagine what would happen if you went up to a guy and said “Hi, I’m Blah Blah and I want to be married by 26 and start having babies at 27, would you be interested in finding out if you are the one I should do it with?” Luckily for me, I don’t want any of those things. But I run out of fingers and toes if I try to count the number of girlfriends I have who do want that. And, you can bet your ass that by the time you finish that sentence, you’ll be talking to a wall.

I know I am generalizing here. Not every girl dresses “to impress men” and no woman should. But at least I know I am guilty of dressing in low cut shirts and short skirts, not just because I feel confident and sexy, but because I know that guys will notice me. I egg them on in conversations that quickly begin to insinuate that they have a chance with me. Obviously, I’m totally hiding my real intentions and desires, and instead I play on to behavior that I hope will hook them, but that gives an impression that affects their behavior towards me.

I guess, when it comes to fishing, if you get the spicy ahi tuna to bite on the bite, it’s much more likely that it will get hooked and that you’ll have something for dinner that night. The fish won’t really run away once it’s on the boat. The same does not apply to men. Just because you get them to fall for the bait, either but getting a number or by getting into your pants, it does not guarantee that you’ll have what you really wanted.

I guess the point that Tito was trying to make is that perhaps dating is not like fishing and it should not be approached as such, but for some reason both men and women have been conditioned to play games that end up looking like that.The problem is that then you spend a couple of months dating someone, and you finally feel comfortable to say “hey, let’s be exclusive, let’s put labels on our relationship, and let’s work hard on this in case it can be forever” and this will still cause the fish (man) to jump overboard. You take away his bachelor status and he realizes that he can’t breath outside of the water. He starts choking, feels trapped and jumps! Even if there are other predators in the water, at least he’s in his natural environment!

The difference is that once you catch a man, the metaphor breaks. Being in a relationship does not equate to eating a caught fish for dinner.

So what now? For starters, I’m working on being more honest. Perhaps by not lying about what I do, or where I am from, or what I like to do. Perhaps by breaking Stacie’s Rules of Dating, and responding to a text immediately rather than waiting the necessary 4 hours.

So what now? It’s obviously not all me. Betty can tell you about this much better than I can, but perhaps guys need to stop feeling life fish out of water the second that a relationship starts getting serious. We are not trapping you, catching you, or taking you from your natural environment. Are we?

Turning a Corner

16 Dec

By Capitol Jill

My post is gonna get a bit emo this week, people. Apologies in advance for the lack of Christmas cheer.

While my life is mostly sunshine, rainbows, and drunken brunches, something has really been keeping me down these past few months. I’ve felt unhappy, tired, undesirable. I’ll break it down for you….

List of symptoms

1. No desire to shark

2. No romance novel reading

3.Lack of interest in the opposite sex

4. frequent nightmares of dying alone and being eaten by your cats

5. Crying at the end of happy romantic comedies

6. no sexy dreams

7. Vibrator batteries dead for weeks, haven’t needed to replace them.

In short, I think I am suffering from an asexual period

Its hard to talk about sometimes, because I feel like this is the time of my life when I should be flirting, having one night stands (or should I?), and dating my little ass off. And I’m not sure when I stopped trying, but I did. I don’t see the point in flirting, I stopped dressing up when I go out, and I kind of gave up hope for a while.

I’m positive its related to the coleslaw incident. It hurts to get burned. But its more than that: perhaps my SAD, my weight gain, or something else. But its been a rough few months in my personal life.

But this weekend I felt like I turned a corner to being a sexual, happy person again. My sexy dreams have been returning slowly and I was physically attracted to a man at a bar! PROGRESS, people! I’m not fixed yet, as I’m still sure I’ll die alone, but its feeling better.

So much better that I’m going to share a current christmas jam thats bound to brighten your day. You’re welcome!

Now, questions: Have you ever had an “asexual” period? How did you get out of it? Let me know in the comments!

Now I’m off to finish that romance novel. (Historical regency period, of course. #janeausten)

Feeling sexy once again. Kinda.

XOXO,

Capitol Jill

One night stands: yay or nay?

12 Dec

(Alternate title: I (Think I) Don’t Support That (Anymore) – My Turbulent Relationship with the Institution of the One Night Stand)

I said, “Can I take you home with me?”
She said, “Never in your wildest dreams.”

Loyal readers, Brownout Betty has decided to start New Years’ Resolutions a month early. After my Thanksgiving binge, I came back to The District determined to give up bad habits, including eating too much cheese and watching Netflix late at night, and to swap them out for some good ones, like doing some actual exercise and eating more fruit.

There’s one other bad habit that I’ve been trying to kick – not just for the past few weeks, but in fact since last Thanksgiving. It was around then that I decided that I wasn’t going to bring home random guys anymore. This lasted about 2 months – which I maintain is a pretty solid run. I only broke the streak because I had an opportunity to spend a beautiful night in bed with the man of my dreams – but that’s a post for another time. At any rate, I don’t believe I broke any rules because the point is to sleep with guys you actually like. The spirit of the law, not the letter, amirite?

Anyway, I broke the rule a few more times in 2013, and now I’m back to my vow of pseudo-celibacy. This time, I feel like I really might stick to it. However, I regret to confess that it is not because I have somehow gained willpower to resist boys (unless, of course, they do one of these things).

Nope, it’s because I have sold out my youth. Worse, I have sold it to the rigid expectations that society has for Upstanding Young Adult Ladiez.

Allow me to explain. In my view, there are three reasons to have a one-night stand. One is that you’re bored and drunk. And that will never go away as a motivating factor, so let’s just put that aside for now. Two is that you enjoy the attention and three is that you just really want the D. Let’s not mince words here. Oh, and 2.5 is somewhere in between those, which is that you meet a genuinely (seemingly) great guy and you feel like you will never see him again if you don’t go home with him that night so you just go for it.

But I had a realization as my last one-night stand was developing. I initially made the signal that I would go home with this guy, but then abruptly changed my mind. I gave the dude a “haha, nah” smile and said that I was changing my mind and leaving. As he followed me out of the Brixton, clearly surprised and miffed at my change of heart, he said “Well, can I at least get your number?

That was Betty’s realization, folks. If I had just given him my number and walked away, he probably would have called. Then we might have grabbed a drink or dinner if it was that kind of thing, or whatever, and then we would have had the sex I had chosen to withhold. I had nothing to lose by giving him the digits and bouncing.

So then you ask: didn’t you lose the sex? Why is it a good thing to incentivize him to call instead of just banging him that night?

Well that, my friends, is where the selling out comes in. Now that we’re in our mid-early-twenties, the expectations of society have started to bear down on us. Those expectations are, essentially, to Start A Relationship and Settle Down. I feel these expectations strongly, which is why I find it less and less fun to have a fling with a rando I’ve never met, and increasingly would prefer to give the guy my number and have it be all civilized and normal. Ew, I know. I disgust myself.

On the guys’ side, I think there is also a bias towards starting something that will last more than 8 hours. The ‘hit it and quit it’ mindset is still there, for SURE, but it’s diminishing in tandem with guys’ receding hairlines. Moreover, even if they are still in college-guy mindset, the fact that it’s so hard to meet people in the city means that if they meet a prospect who at the last minute decides she’s not going home with you, they will follow up. That’s the revelation – contrary to reason 2.5, which says you have to sleep with him that night to bag him, girls have nothing to lose by forgoing that one-night stand. Just go home and sleep in your own bed in your ratty pajamas that no one will see — you’ll feel more dignified the next morning, and you’ll win a victory for  Nice Domesticated 20 Something Ladiez if you actually get a guy to call and maybe start a little courtship. Which in all likelihood, he will, for the reasons aforementioned. Did I mention you won’t give up your dignity?

I’m such a mature adult I can’t even handle myself. Ugh.

In other words, reasons 2, 2.5 and 3 to have a one-night stand are starting to evaporate. Reason 1, however – sheer drunken boredom – will never go away. Which is why I’m not giving up on my friend the #onenightstand juuust yet.

What do you think, ladies?

Brownout, out.

 

Those Christmas Favs…

11 Dec

There are so many Favorites for Christmas. From your favorite song to your favorite family member. Let’s see what comes to mind during this particularly Festive season…

Favorite Christmas Carol:
Silent Night. At our Christmas Eve service back home, this is the last song my congregation sings. All the lights are turned out and everyone is left holding a lit candle. It’s very beautiful, and definitely my favorite version of the song (but there’s always the Josh Groban version too!). And don’t forget to check out Capital Jill’s list of top Christmas songs!

Favorite Classic Christmas Movie:
A Charlie Brown Christmas. This is always the go-to Christmas movie if I need a little bit of Holiday Cheer!

 

Favorite Christmas/Date-Night Movie:
Love Actually. If you haven’t seen this movie, shame on you. Find it on Netflix Right Now. It is no ordinary chick flick – because guys love it too. Colin Firth, Kiera Knightly, Liam Neeson, Bill Nighy, Emma Thompson, Alan Rickman, Hugh Grant…. I mean hello look at this All-star cast! It’s one of my all-time favorite movies.

Favorite Christmas Food:
The Gorgeous Christmas Ham (Or cheese). #duh

Favorite Christmas Drink:
Champagne. But if you’re looking for some other scrumptious Christmas Cocktails, check this out!

Favorite Christmas Board Game:
Scattergories. If your family is weird – like mine – I promise this will be a treat. Especially after the champagne is gone…

Favorite Christmas Gift (for this year):
All 9 seasons of The Office. The series is over. I would love to see a deluxe Blu-ray/DVD box set staring at me underneath the Christmas Tree this year… Just saying, Santa.

Favorite Christmas Clothing Item:
Fabulously colorful winter coat. Mine is a red Michael Kors one that I found on sale at T.J. Maxx – TREAT  YOURSELF!

Favorite Christmas Dessert:
Gobs. My aunt makes these for Christmas Every year. They are incredible! Pretty sure I eat at least 6 a day until they’re all gone… If you’d like a recipe, here’s a good one!

Favorite Christmas Character:
Buddy the Elf. No explanation necessary?

Favorite Christmas Youtube Video:
There are literally too many… so let me just give you a few. You’re never too old to sit on Santa’s Lap. Hallelujah Chorus Flash Mob. Westjet Christmas Miracle.

Favorite Christmas Story:
The Nativity. The whole reason I’m celebrating in the first place.

Hope you’re having a Holly Jolly Christmas month so far, readers!

Belle

 

10 Things Men Do that Definitely Help me Keep my Pants On

10 Dec

by Stacie Smack
inspired by Belle’s recount of Long-Fingernails-Guy

Dear Employed Male Yuppie who lives in NW DC (or H St) who is trying to put the moves on me, please see below on why I will not be going home with you tonight (or if I did, I won’t be calling you back…):

1. Your jeans are too short.

You are in your 20s and probably have an income that allows you to buy adult jeans. Unless you’re 6’5’ or taller (in which case you were them short on purpose), there is no excuse for me being able to see your (not even ironic) socks.

2. You own New Balance sneakers (or generic replicas).

Go watch Crazy Stupid Love and watch Steve Carrell, closely. DO NOT be that guy.  Which leads me to…

3. You wore sneakers on on a weekend night out

Dear man whose pants I most definitely won’t be removing. Please never ever wear your sneakers out again. Like ever ever again. Consider the slew of alternatives of boat shoes, loafers, casual dress shoes, the list goes on and it does not include your New Balance white sneakers that your mom bought you. I mean seriously.

4. You have a stubbly chest.

At some point (thanks Channing Tatum and your perfectly smooth body), some dudes that seem to like picking up what Stacie is putting down decided to start shaving their chests. I get it, maybe if you shave, you’ll fake a six-pack better (hint: not). You will also give me stubble burn from not your beard in places where I definitely do not intend on getting stubble burn. Rug burn? Maybe. Stubble burn? STOP REQUESTED. Alternatively, go and get your chest waxed if you really think you can pull off the look (see below for reference). And, if you think it hurts, then grow a pair of balls before you try to talk to me again.

5. You don’t have condoms

Let’s pretend that somehow, you manage to get me back to your place. We start fooling around. And you have NO. CONDOMS. Excuse me? No, hoping that your roommate has some is not a valid alternative, and no, expecting me to carry some (which by the way ladies, do) is also not an option. There is literally a CVS everywhere in this city. I’m not saying that you have to be a mature adult, but like basic responsibilities dude. Handle them.

6. You wear/own old boxers

I don’t have a penis, I’ll give you that. But is it really that uncomfortable to wear boxer briefs? I mean look at those ads with David Beckham in them. They look DAMN good. And if you’re going to wear boxers (which I guess is fine because otherwise I’ll be giving up sex for a long time), please no holes, no strings, no stains. You are a grown-ass man. Just put yourself in my shoes, and imagine that moment when you’re fooling around on the couch, pants are coming off, and here’s a pair of orange boxers that you’ve had since eighth grade. Never. Time to Uber home.

7. Greasy Hair

There are a handful (maybe a dozen, but probably not even that many) men who can pull off the greasy hair look. You are definitely NOT one of those, sir. Please talk to me when you’ve taken a shower WITH shampoo. I don’t care if it’s the 3-in-1 body wash/shampoo/toothpaste situation. Also, if you try to convince me to talk to you by saying it’s not greasy, it’s just hair product, please rotate in a 180 degree angle and walk away as quickly as possible.

8. Sweatpants that don’t fit me

Here at #SRDC, we LOVE shack outfits. LOVE. If you are so tiny that I can’t borrow your pants to shame-walk home, then I don’t really want anything to do with you. BAI.

9. A Twin Size Bed

So this one night I went to see this DJ at Black Cat. I started chatting this kid up. He was kind of funny. Worked for the senate. Went to college and graduated. Was taller than me by enough inches that I’d be able to wear my favorite four-inch heels. I mean in #thisTown, that’s already a pretty solid foundation. So maybe he was wearing a male fashion ring, but he bought be a vodka soda and I kind of stopped seeing it. To make the deal even sweeter, he lived in Columbia Heights (this was while I was living Red-Line land). Basically he seemed to be the ideal #boyfriend material to supplement my perfect 20-something lifestyle. UNTIL. Until we walked into his room to find a bed. A bed for one. A bed like the one I slept on in college. I am no longer in college. You’ve been living in this apartment for A YEAR. And given how much you spent on drinks that night, I know it’s not a money issue. Call me when we can both sleep on that bed without me having flashbacks to Senior Week.

10. Also stop wearing fashion rings.

Just stop. Please

Capitol Jill’s Gift Guide for the Underpaid 20-Something

9 Dec

by Capitol Jill

With the holidays upon us,  every website and blog is featuring their gift lists. Even Cloture Club jumped on the bandwagon, listing all the things Congress has given us (which, by the way, is a bit unfair – those form letters take a long time to write!)

I love reading these, because it can be really challenging to come up with JUST the right gift for everyone on your list. Now, I won’t reveal what I am purchasing for others, but I decided to share a list of the things I am asking for, perfect for any 20-something who just makes rent. Here it is!

The Perfect Gift Guide

  1. Clothes – The thing we always want, but can never afford! Especially when you have to work in a corporate/conservative environment, we often spend all of our clothing budget on work-appropriate/BORING attire. Its nice to get help with outfitting ourselves to take on the workplace, but its equally as nice to get fun weekend clothes that we can actually enjoy.
  2. Warm Pajamas – similar to #1, warm flannel/fleece PJs are excellent for sleeping, lounging, and living if you don’t want to turn your heat up very high
  3. Cooking tools/appliances  — “Try to domesticate ya”  worries aside, things like crock-pots and blenders are really useful when you’re trying to feed yourself on a budget. The crock pot is my personal favorite – set it, forget it, and come home to a real dinner. Makes the house smell great too! I recommend this small one if you are only cooking for one or two.
  4. Wine glasses, mugs, and glass tumblers – nice cups are fun to have, especially when your cupboard is stocked with cheap bar glasses your klepto-friend has taken for you. Also, nice wine glasses aren’t going to shatter in your hand, and you will look fancy when friends come over!
  5. Credit card/student loan payments – Give your young adult the gift of fiscal solvency this holiday season!
  6. Train/plane/bus tickets – Travelling home for the holidays can be expensive, so these types of gifts are fantastic.
  7. Cash – bar money, anyone?
  8. Alcohol— pretty self-explanatory, if you’ve been reading this blog for a while now.

25 Signs Alcohol Is Your Significant Other

8. Tech products – Something we won’t buy ourselves, but really want to have and will love to receive. Things like laptops and tablets and new phones make our lives easier, but it’s often hard to justify buying these things when you need to go drinking with your friends and have bottomless brunches.

9. Gym membership – if you can do it in a way that does NOT imply the recipient needs to loose weight, more power to you (my parents have yet to master this). The DC 15 is real, people. Work it off.

Thats it! I hope this helps you find the perfect present for someone in your life. What do you want to receive this Christmas/holiday season?

XOXO,

Capitol Jill