Love knows no limits

15 Nov

So, confession. I spend hundreds of dollars a month on Uber (since cutting back on the social schedule, this bill has also cut back, MUCH needed relief to my overprotective father’s wallet). Uber is my weakness, and the most stable, reliable relationship in my life currently. I can be in DuPont at 8am, or H Street at 3am, and still, always, without fail, Uber is there to whisk me away.

Not only is the whole process a serious breeze, especially in taxi-problem-ridden DC, you get to ROLL UP IN A BLACK CAR OR SUV. In a town where you never know who is on the other side of those tinted windows, you better believe I act important when I go LITERALLY anywhere in an Uber. (ugh, #ThisTown)

i have ARRIVED

Uber has gotten me out of some pretty sticky (literally) situations, hence the stability of our relationship. Allow me to outline the five best, or worst, moments of our relationship:

5.) The time I spilled a Hurricane on myself

After a particular rowdy night at Little Miss Whiskey’s, I thought it was a good idea to bring my unfinished Hurricane along for my journey home in my purse, the same purse that suffered a horrible fate a few weeks later. Obviously, I was wearing 4 inch wedges and ate shit on H street en route to my Uber, and obviously, the full Hurricane half in my purse half in my hand covered my whole body in a sticky slushy mess. Even still, my Uber driver accepted me with love and clorox wipes to rinse off.

4.) The time I hooked up in the back

Self-explanatory, I was very drunk (duh), and our “two stops” quickly turned to just one. (It was a VERY PG hookup, don’t go thinking I’m that kind of girl)

3.) The time I was stranded at National Harbor

I found myself at The Gaylord during CPAC (honestly, I don’t even know how I got there, but I was with a gaggle of Republicans, clearly I was fine), and then suddenly found myself at 4am VERY READY TO GO HOME, TO VERY NW DC. Uber? PICKED ME UP WITHIN 10 MINUTES, AND 87 DOLLARS LATER I WAS IN BED.

2.) The time I threw up in a $300 purse

I was on a long journey home from H street (I’m sensing a pattern here), it was 90 degrees outside, it was a jerky car ride, I had way too much vodka/gin/wine/fireball/beer etc, and it just happened. I vaguely remember being half asleep, as I often am, and as a fairly regular drunk vomit-er, I knew I had approximately 30 seconds before shit got real. I looked around for a bag, a water bottle, ANYTHING to avoid the $300+ cleaning charge for getting sick in an Uber. I was a girl scout, I knew how to be resourceful, so I used my $300 Tory Burch purse as a trash receptacle until the driver realized what was happening and pulled over. Bless his heart, he didn’t kick me out, and he even tried to help me clean up (I have some pride, I CLEARLY refused). Looking back, it would have PROBABLY made more sense to throw up in the car, as I’m now out my favorite purse.

1.) The time I LEFT A BURRITO IN THE CAR

TRAGIC HORRIBLE THE WORST NIGHT OF MY LIFE. I had a beautiful, perfect burrito from SR’s beloved Sol, and I was headed home from a long night on H street. Again, I was half asleep in the back seat when we pulled up to my house. I hopped out and headed into my kitchen, only to realize……I LEFT MY UNTOUCHED VIRGIN BURRITO IN THE BACKSEAT. I think I cried before curling up, truly alone, in my bed.

So you see, DC, nobody will ever replace my one true love, Uber. SOMEHOW, it’s honestly so unclear how, I was recently informed, my Uber rating is 4.7/5. THEY LOVE ME RIGHT BACK. Uber has been there for me so many times before, and I know they will be there for me again tonight, tomorrow morning, tomorrow night, Sunday morning, and beyond. If you haven’t tried them yet….. never read this blog again try it out, and let me know how it goes. Everybody has at least ONE good Uber story, my life just happens to be one hot mess after another.

PS: Missed connection moment: mystery Uber driver who was lucky enough to eat my burrito, please buy me a new one, it’s been months and I’m still not over it.

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2 Responses to “Love knows no limits”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. STOP REQUESTED - December 10, 2013

    […] I don’t have a penis, I’ll give you that. But is it really that uncomfortable to wear boxer briefs? I mean look at those ads with David Beckham in them. They look DAMN good. And if you’re going to wear boxers (which I guess is fine because otherwise I’ll be giving up sex for a long time), please no holes, no strings, no stains. You are a grown-ass man. Just put yourself in my shoes, and imagine that moment when you’re fooling around on the couch, pants are coming off, and here’s a pair of orange boxers that you’ve had since eighth grade. Never. Time to Uber home. […]

  2. 10 Things Men Do that Definitely Help me Keep my Pants On | STOP REQUESTED - December 10, 2013

    […] I don’t have a penis, I’ll give you that. But is it really that uncomfortable to wear boxer briefs? I mean look at those ads with David Beckham in them. They look DAMN good. And if you’re going to wear boxers (which I guess is fine because otherwise I’ll be giving up sex for a long time), please no holes, no strings, no stains. You are a grown-ass man. Just put yourself in my shoes, and imagine that moment when you’re fooling around on the couch, pants are coming off, and here’s a pair of orange boxers that you’ve had since eighth grade. Never. Time to Uber home. […]

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