11 Ways Boots Are Just Like Boys

16 Oct

by Brownout Betty

As the temperature dips below 70, I’ve been forced into the realization that my reliable collection of ballet flats just isn’t going to cut it the way it did in the summer. And that means one thing – boot shopping. I’ve realized that Ke$ha was on to something in her musical masterpiece “Boots and Boys.” The two commodities, essential as they both are to the livelihood of a 20-something girl in the city, have a lot in common.

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Let me count the ways:

11. You can’t pick just ANY pair of boots. They’re a fucking big investment that you’re going to spend a lot of time and money on (how many pairs of boots could I have bought with all the cash I dropped on Uber to my boy’s apartment?).  And they’ll be a pretty big part of keeping you warm this winter. Ahem.

10. The first date with a pair of boots is always amazing. You walk around with them, check yourselves out in the mirror – you look great together. It’s only after a little while that you realize that something’s off.

9. And when something’s off, it’s SERIOUSLY off.  When it comes to something that’s going to be your companion for like 6 months, DAMN STRAIGHT EVERYTHING IS A DEALBREAKER. You should have seen me in Nine West angsting over the fact that one of my feet was moving around a tiny bit. It was the equivalent of finding out that a guy is a libertarian.

8. Still, once you’ve committed by going on 2 measly dates (the equivalent of  looking at your feet in 2 different mirrors in the store, because what if one’s a fat mirror or something?) it’s SO HARD to be honest with yourself that this is a losing battle. You’ll make excuses for the stupid boots no matter what your best friend tells you, because you’ve already made the commitment, however tiny.

7. Going online seems like a great idea when you’re frustrated with  all of the existing options (or lack thereof)…

6. …but when you start buying online, you have basically zero control over what you’re getting into. Size is off? Just not a good fit? Sigh. But sending them back once you’ve already made the investment is such a hassle.

5. Sometimes it’s fun to be impulsive and just go for it with boots that you haven’t really thought through…

4. …but then comes the major buyer’s remorse the morning after. You look at the condom wrapper receipt and ask yourself what on earth you were thinking.

3. When some time passes and they stop being up to snuff, you face an existential dilemma: invest in re-heeling and make them good as new? Or buy a new pair? Part of you feels like you can make good with what you already have by just putting in a little effort and upgrading the status quo. But part of you wants to just kick the poor guy(s) to the curb and hope that a cuter replacement will come along.

2. It’s so hard to commit to just one pair of boots. Because what you want totally depends on your mood.

And finally…

1. Length matters. ‘Nuff said.

 

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