Ultimate Boning Jamz: Part 1

15 Oct

***Warning: you want headphones if you’re in public***
This is a multi-part analysis by the SR ladies.
Part 1: by Stacie Smack

I went to see Don Jon today. OOOOF. We could deconstruct that for days. But we won’t. Instead…

JGL plays a character who has a system: go to the club, find the girl, make eye contact, grind up on her, take a cab home, and do her. Unfortunately, she always wants to do it missionary style. Up until that point, he and I could be the same person. His moves are my moves. But missionary, really? That sir, I disagree with.

Ladies, I like to spice things up. I am pro knee burns and definitely count a small bruise or two as victory points. And what better way to be inspired than with the perfect Smack-approved playlist for ultimate boning? You can welcome me later*.

1. Bow Chicka Wow Wow – Mike Posner

This song is good for setting the tone not too blatantly, plus it goes well with the tequila shots that you and him will share under the moonlight from your window (or the christmas lights you still haven’t taken down).

2. Let’s Leave on The Lights – Ne-Yo

I am not of a fan of subtlety. This song makes two things obvious: sex will certainly happen, and it will happen not in the dark. Invest in a lamp with a dimmer.

3. Bump and Grind – R Kelly

Your body is telling you YES. It’s the same bumping and grinding you do at Wonderland on Saturday night, but you just do it with less clothes on and a little more panting.

4. Hey Daddy (Daddys Home) – Usher

“You know your daddy’s home and it’s time to play”. Enough said. Get down on your knees and show him how you play. Also this song deserves so much more credit than it ever got. Think about it.

5. Motivation – Kelly Rowland

I get that this a totally male-dominated playlist. But honestly, I don’t care. HOWEVER. This song. Stacie’s Anthem since 2011.

6. Pony – Ginuwine

His saddle is waiting. Please will you ride his pony?

7. Wayne on Me – Lil Wayne

There are not enough words in the English language to describe how much I LOVE this song. It is SO dirty, you’ll want to shower after the first minute. But just go with it. And then ask him to smack you harder. I strongly suggest a set up that allows for that sort of activity. And that you spend a Sunday afternoon deconstructing every song by Lil Wayne – lyrical genius of our generation.

8. Venus vs. Mars – Jay Z

Jay Z makes every man feel inspired to achieve greatness. Plus it’s a total surprise move. Which is what you should be doing right now. When you’re not at a work computer, go buy this book for great suggestions (and illustrations!) and perhaps these.

9. Wet the Bed – Chris Brown

You thought it couldn’t get any filthier? It just did. Also note the constant dripping sound throughout the song while you closely listen to the lyrics. Match, set, came.

10. Top of the World – Trey Songz

That’s how you both should feel. Every time. Anytime.

Honorable Mentions:

Wait (The Whisper Song) by the Ying Yang Twins is probably the original King of Filth. I prefer to keep that one to myself.

Pregnant by R Kelly. Keep this one in your back pocket. Play it after it’s all said and done, and he’ll be out of your apartment within 5 minutes. Also definitely listen to it because it is the original romance ballad. Maybe.

* When was the last time you listened to music while having sex?

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