The Coleslaw Confession

7 Oct

by Capitol Jill

Apologies for the drama of this post, but life isn’t all sunshine and brunches, is it?

After a long night of imbibery and debauchery, I always find myself craving unhealthy and soul-satisfying food (i.e. Ben’s Chilli Bowl, Jumbo Slice, Cheese From My Fridge). Things i love to eat, but only “allow” myself when I am inebriated. However, there is one notable exception. When I am drunk, I am inexplicably drawn to a food I refuse to eat when sober, a food that makes my stomach turn to think about.

*confession time*

Hi, my name is Capitol Jill, and I eat coleslaw when I am drunk.

Now to the average person, this isn’t all that shocking. But Every.Single.Time  I drink and go somewhere where coleslaw is served,  that is what I order. And then the next day, I ask myself why. WHY?! I don’t even LIKE coleslaw, I say to myself. What was I thinking? Coleslaw disgusts me at every picnic, bbq, and restaurant. The thought of all that mayo *involuntary shudder*

The reason I bring up my unfortunate addiction to mayo-drenched cabbage is because there seems to be a common trait of enjoying or desiring something when you’re drunk, but being totally uninterested when you are sober.

A recent disastrous liaison with a boy enlightened me to this phenomenon. *editors note: I use the word boy, not man — I am convinced that I don’t know any males that qualify as real men.*  

So here’s the backstory: mutual friends introduced us, flirting ensued, followed by months of texts and gchats and emails. Nights of hanging out, having a few, and being not only hit on, but propositioned by, this boy. “I thought you liked me. Why won’t you stay over?” he demanded. “Why haven’t we happened yet?”

So I finally give in. The “magic” happens *editors note: not that magical*. But what comes next? Nothing. “I have grave concerns about our compatibility,” he says. “I’m so sorry if I led you on.” “I was drunk”. B-S excuses, if you ask me.

You were in to me when you were drunk. We’d been chatting for months. Didn’t you try to kiss me once? That time we discussed what our first date would be like… did I make that part up? If you come on to me repeatedly, I’m going to assume you’re interested in me. The whole me, not just my body. Maybe I’m just an idiot, or have a romanticized version of a possible relationship playing out in my head. But is it wrong to expect something after all that? The months of flirtation, the sexual tension, your persistence. Kissing me in front of our mutual friends.

And all I have to show is a pile of regret for ever giving in to you. Not even a date. Not even breakfast. Just an awkward situation that you created and I have to handle, and hurt feelings that you don’t understand. And now when we see each other, there’s a divide that I cannot cross because you broke that trust long ago. And flirting with other girls in front of me? Cool, bro.

Do I regret it? Yes. Every day. More than I have ever regretted any boy-related adventures. I trusted you, and yet you led me on. You can say that you didn’t mean to, that you were “just too drunk” and “don’t remember” what you said. But I do. I thought it meant something, but its all too clear now that it meant absolutely nothing to you. That I meant absolutely nothing to you.

I’m just your coleslaw, that thing you are interested in when you are drunk, that you forget about once the liquor wears off. The next day you probably ask yourself, why did I kiss her? I don’t even LIKE her. What was I thinking?

The thing is, when I eat coleslaw, I am only hurting myself. Who are you hurting?

I’m swearing off coleslaw, once and for all.

One Response to “The Coleslaw Confession”


  1. Turning a Corner | STOP REQUESTED - December 16, 2013

    […] positive its related to the coleslaw incident. It hurts to get burned. But its more than that: perhaps my SAD, my weight gain, or something else. […]

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