On Singledom and Being Single

24 Sep

by Stacie Smack

So many of my friends “just want to be single”. They fall into relationships too easily – they are the “commitment” types. They just find these great interesting guys willing to pay attention to them and they just happen to start dating and within a month, they just happen to be spending every night together, and this happens totally unintentionally. Or so they say….

But here’s how it really goes:

“I just want to be single for a while – meet some randos. I’m done with relationships” is what one of them will say after a breakup. So we get dolled up, we pre-game, and we head to Brass Monkey. And then we troll for men. I’m not going to lie, I have an eye for the single dudes at bars (which in DC happens to be 4 out 5 guys who go to Brass Monkey because, well, it’s Brass Monkey). Hi! Meet Jacob, or Lance, or Dave, or that guy, or the tall dude, or the one in the blue shirt… by 2am and 6 tequila shots later, I just point and say “drunkkkkkk, sex? friend”. But then it gets too real for her, and they just want jumbo-slice. So we go home and my newly single friend who didn’t make out with anyone is upset. “But that’s fine,” I say, “That’s what being single is.” Singledom. One person. Alone.

But not for you.

Let’s talk about what you think being single entails. You walk out in your sexy outfit (bandage skirt and generic forever 21 top and flats, because hello, DC). And then a spotlight lights up the path you walk on because you are on a runway and every guy at the bar, who is obviously educated, cute, and not a dick is staring at you – wanting you. Because all they have to do is look at you to know that you are amazing, and that you are the one who is going to turn them from Perpetual Bachelor to Relationship Man. And guys are just going to walk up to you with free drinks and witty rapport, with no intention of taking off your pants. And you get to make out with all of them! YAY!

Oh, wait a second…

The truth is you aren’t going on regular dates. You set up a OkCupid profile and get Hinge, but quickly realize that there are zero prospects out there. You probably will have to replace the batteries of your vibrator more frequently than you are willing to admit. Or maybe you have to go and buy one (I’ve got tips for you). But you eventually exit Singledom, and that’s where your path and mine divert.

Here’s what will happen to you.

Three weeks will pass, and you hate the single life. Congratulations! You’ve gotten a tiny taste of my life. But then. Then, it all changes because you are you (and I seem to be the opposite of you). You meet a guy and go on perfect dates, twice on the same week, because he is completely infatuated with you. And you refuse to accept that you are in an exclusive committed relationship: “we are still dating other people”. Oh yeah? Who else are you dating? No one, because you don’t want to since deep somewhere in your chest (your heart probably, because you have one) you know you found the “real thing”. And you’ll be “single” long enough to be able to say “yeah, I was single for a month”.  I promise you, you’ll be living together within two months.

It must be nice, right?

Well this is why Singledom and being single are different. You were single until you had enough; you are a commitment type. I am a member of Team Singledom. Here’s how it goes for me, how it really is:

I manage to convince myself every few weeks that I’ve become desensitized to being a  third wheel, but let’s be honest here, there is a small fire building inside that’s about to explode with resentment from spending time with all the stupid happy couples. I listen to you tell me that it’s because I am too interesting, too confident, too busy. Are YOU trying to date me? No, so please shut up. I try to feel independent and assertive and unattached. I spend hours convincing myself that I am happy without a man, but we all know the truth. I am not happy.

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7 Responses to “On Singledom and Being Single”

  1. Casey Vidgen September 24, 2013 at 2:27 pm #

    I stopped using okc a few weeks ago after one too many awkward dates lol. My coworker showed me cliqie.com and I’m a big fan of that over the others in terms of actually meeting people vs. just entertainment. It has a different approach that feels less sketchy cause you and your friends essentially act as “wingmen”. I like that it helps you find things to do too. Skout’s okay too, but still has it’s fair share of creepers

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