The 10 Guys Who Will Never Date You

20 Sep

An official response to the Cloture Club article “ The 10 DC Guys We’ve All Dated”

Like all the ladies of Stop Requested, I found this article very funny and entertaining. While I did love it, I would like to point out the one major flaw — boys in DC don’t date!

And if they do, I certainly haven’t met any of them! Let’s assume for the sake of this post that its not my fault…

 

(oh office, why did you ever start to suck?)

So, in light of these facts, and my perpetual singledom, here is what I think about each “type” of guy on this list, and why they will never date me.

1. The Chill Republican Dude – One of three scenarios can happen here: he’s either

  • gay, but will never admit/talk about it,
  • has a girlfriend elsewhere (Canada perhaps?) that he met on the campaign or

  • has a fear of committing to anyone he won’t be engaged to in a year or less. If he likes it, he wants to make sure he’s got a ring on it ASAP.

He also might be too busy skeet shooting and campaigning to take back the Senate.

2. Gone Every Weekend Guy – Girlfriend. Always. Why else would he leave every weekend? Because he’s getting it somewhere else, that’s why. Otherwise, why on earth would somebody go out in Maryland when DC has places such as the Brixton or the Biergartenhaus?

3. Closeted Type-A Guy – Prefers penis. You can offer him nothing, unless you are hiding said penis.

4. Enigma Guy – Doesn’t believe in relationships, so therefore dating is a waste of time. Also probably has more than one disease you don’t want to pick up from one of the numerous exotic countries he has visited (and slept around).

5. Outside the Beltway Guy – Asking him out would not only depend upon an emotional requirement, but a time requirement as well. He won’t commute OR commit. Double whammy. In addition, do you really want to be taking the red line every time he makes a booty call?

6. From-Here Guy – Girlfriend. Why else would he still live in his hometown? Sure, it’s DC, but I find issues with any young 20-something who lives near their parents or where they grew up. Just saying.

7. Lost Southern Guy – Chances are he has a Sweet Home Alabama girl waiting for him, ready to pop out babies and decorate his southern mansion. Why would he waste his time on you?

8. Clarendon Guy – Asking for commitment and a commute? Have you tried to take the Orange/Blue line on the weekend? Its a cluster. Don’t bother, because he won’t do either, no matter how much you make it worth his while.

9. Organic Kale Guy – Gay as a maypole. Or does not shower, in which case YOU should reject HIM. Being green is not an excuse to smell like garbage.

10. Really Important Guy – The only relationship he wants is one that gets him closer to a power figure. So if you’re not the daughter of someone important, take a hike. He sees no reason to date unless it gets him something.

Every time I meet an attractive man in DC, he always seems to fit into one of these categories. Girl can’t catch a break!

So, dear readers, any ideas what kind of men DO date in dc? Because I can’t seem to find any!

XOXO,

Capitol Jill

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2 Responses to “The 10 Guys Who Will Never Date You”

  1. Chantelle Kadala September 20, 2013 at 4:40 pm #

    Love it… so funny.

    • Capitol Jill September 29, 2013 at 9:46 pm #

      Thanks! Glad you enjoyed. Dating in DC is struggle-bus city.

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