My Brunch Rebuttal

20 Sep
by Stacie Smack.
 
 

I LOVE BRUNCH.

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Recently, a blogger that I would deem as my inspiration in life and the person that I strive to become everyday, published an article on why he hates brunch. And all I can say is: David, you are doing it wrong.

First of all, it is better than dinner AND it has steak. Maybe you need better friends who actually know where to go. Because, I exclusively get my weekly serving of protein on the weekends and most of it comes from brunch.

Secondly, so what if my line cook was out til 5 am? I was probably grinding up on him last night anyways, so at least I know we can all relish in the hangover together. Brunch creates a community of camaraderie and friendship. It has the power to bring our nation together. Plus, it’s the only socially acceptable time to wear sunglasses indoors and the same dress you were wearing the night before.

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Third of all, Brunch is the weekend version of El Centro’s Thursday late night open bar. It is simply the continuation of your Saturday night and Sunday morning. Without skipping a beat, you can transition from Vodka Sodas to pregame, to Tequila shots at 3am, throw in a slice of Pizza and by noon your stomach is ready to bring on the champagne. If that’s not how you’re doing it, you’re doing it wrong.

Fourth. It’s not one “Eggs Benny”. It’s fucking four orders of them – crab, ham, salmon AND a wildcard. Because at brunch, you don’t just drink bottomlessly. You eat bottomlessly. And if you were a real man, you’d be eating every item on that menu. FYI, that’s why it takes so long.

Lastly, you ask why I have to see my friends again? HELLO, so that we can discuss all of the things that happened after we left each other. Really, there’s no other socially acceptable venue to discuss whether or not having to walk out on the balcony topless to fish for your bra at 9am at I-think-his-name-was-Ricky’s apartment was slutty or exactly the right level of sexy.

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David, here are some pro-tips for you:

– Always ask for the Mimosa Pitcher, don’t wait for the waiter to come around pouring it for you.

-Always get the steak and eggs. Which is always available.

-Don’t go to brunch with your acquaintances. Go to brunch with the same people you were out with last night because you never went home in the first place.

-Ordering a side of bacon for your side of bacon is mandatory.

Stay tuned for our in-depth analysis of Casual Brunch v. DC Brunch.

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